I'm divorced, 40s, and met my boyfriend, also 40s, two years ago on a dating site. We express love to each other often, and, generally have a strong bond.
However, several months after we began a sexual relationship, I returned to the dating site to see if he maintained a profile. He did, although I'd closed mine shortly after we met.

I quickly designed a new profile, and posted a picture of a pretty woman to catch his eye. Within days, he'd sent "me" an email that he wanted to get together for a date. I was devastated.

I shut the mock profile off, and later asked if he was still on the site. He said, No. I asked for proof. We went to the site together and, expressing surprise that he was still listed, he closed it in front of me. I never confessed it was me who masqueraded as the pretty woman he tried to date.
Despite having evolved into a stable couple possibly heading toward marriage, I harbor anger, resentment, and distrust. Knowing he would've deceived me had he gotten the chance, I despise him. This issue haunts me. It's now been many months.
Is my boyfriend's behavior acceptable? Do men linger on dating sites hoping to "do better" or what? Is my resentment toward him overreacting? I feel like he's not a man I could ever trust and maybe I should move on. I'll always feel that he thinks he "settled" for me because the pretty blond he was chasing disappeared. Please advise.

Phantom Rival

Sorry, but you've compounded his deceit with one of your own. When you play that kind of game, you have to know ahead how you'll handle the consequences. Hanging on to him while holding on to anger is a double set-up for worse heartbreak the more time goes by.

Confess your "dirty trick" and confront him with his willingness to cheat at the time. His current response will be crucial. If he both apologizes and forgives you, it's time to bury this old story, on both sides. But if YOU still carry distrust and resentment, you've dug your own hole and better climb out on your own.

I've been dating my boyfriend for six months; things are great. My problem is he's told me from the get-go that he doesn't want kids or marriage. He's 35 and I'm 27 and want the family life.

I figured that he only said this because he was with his ex for six years, and, since it didn't work out he's scared of a commitment.

They have a son together who's very much in his life. With time, I've realized that he'll never change his mind. He wants none of the same things I want (more kids and marriage).

I have a lot of feelings for him and don't know if I should end things now so it doesn't get any harder in the long run, or stick it out and see where things go.

Uncertain

When two people have very different goals and needs, "where things go" over time is farther and farther apart. You'll get even more restless for family life as you get into your 30s, he'll always be able to say, "I told you from the beginning, I'm not interested."

Waiting around is a long, hard exercise in frustration and hurt. Break it off now. If you miss each other terribly, insist on couples' counseling to see if either one of you can change your position, in order to stay together.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose friend criticizes her parenting ability (Sept. 23):

Reader - "My mother went through almost the same thing with me. I got tattoos and piercings when I was younger. But I went through college, worked very hard, and now, I'm the youngest Program Manager in my field for the area.

"I still have piercings, and some of my tattoos show under my clothes, but I'm proud of who I am. I have confidence, which my mother instilled in me as more important than what you look like.

"My "office Goth" appearance doesn't bother anybody, and I'm also the youngest person working in my building. So keep telling that woman to stay proud of her children. The working world is quickly changing, and I'm proof!"

Southampton Success

Wise mother! Parenting is personal - others' wisdom can be sifted, and adapted as suits the situation, but criticism should be ignored.