More questions from a Live Chat on He/She Won’t Commit (May 8):

My girlfriend and I have a daughter, three. She also has a son from before, who’s eight. I work out of town, and when I come home for the weekend, she’s walking out the door or there’s already a babysitter there. Dirty dishes greet me, also the kids’ laundry, and the place is in chaos. When I try to talk to her, she says she’s done her part while I’m free to do what I want when away, so it’s her turn when I get home. I can’t take this much longer.

Her problem isn’t “commitment,” it’sirresponsibility, resentment, and downright meanness, to greet you that way. She’s also a thoughtless parent, having the kids witness her shabby treatment, also by raising them in an environment of chaotic mess and her anger.

This is a serious relationship problem that screams for counselling help - one of you has to break the tension and ask where this is going, besides out the door. Speak up; say you got the message, now you both have to decide what to do about it.

My girlfriend of six months says we have to bring our kids into the relationship picture. She has two, I have one, and they’re all under ten. She says we have to start having sleepovers along with the kids and plan summer trips with them too, so they get used to being together. My daughter’s nine and very insecure about my ever “leaving her” again by getting married. Her mother’s also dead-set against her meeting anyone I’m dating. I’m being accused of being afraid to commit, but I think this is more complicated than that.

Commitment does have more layers when kids are involved. The time to think about that is before you get too enmeshed emotionally. People with children need to talk out how they’ll handle bringing kids into the picture, early on.

You two didn’t. Now you have differing pressures. Your ex’s feelings are reflected in your daughter and can’t just be ignored, or the child gets caught in the middle and may resist seeing you. It can force you to “choose” between your girlfriend and child, which is a nightmare situation.

Tell your girlfriend you need to talk this out thoroughly, perhaps see a counselor who deals with blended families, and attempt some chat with your ex about how this can best work, for the children’s sakes.

But first, are YOU even ready for this major statement, after six months? It essentially says you’re planning to live and raise your families together. Be sure that’s what you want.

I’m 22, dating a guy the same age. We’re crazy about each other and say so, but we only see each other every few weekends because he’s doing heavy online courses, and my job involves some weekend travel. Also, we both live at home with parents. He says this is all fine because we should go slowly until we’re totally sure this is it, forever. Are these the signs of someone afraid to commit?

No, these are signs of a practical, wise-for-his age man. You may end up together, or not… and it’s not because you’re going “slow” now, but because you’re both on the brink of new life stages as you gain more independence, pay your own way, and have more life experience. Enjoy the relationship as it exists, you’re with a good guy.

When I change jobs, my girlfriend says I can’t commit… to being in a mediocre position and company the rest of my life? When I change my style, she says I can’t commit to being myself… is a shaved head not still mine? I need change to feel alive and excited about getting up in the morning.

Okay. But you might also need to change your friends/lovers. Be honest. Are you likely to stay with her or more likely to get bored and restless?

FEEDBACK Regarding the “smelly co-worker” whose smoking-habit odour permeates the office (April 30):

Reader – “One non-obtrusive, non-threatening solution is a positive ion generator. We used these in our hotel when we ran out of non-smoking rooms, so made a quick switch from a smoking room.

“It was quick and very effective. It could be positioned on the writer's desk, and pointed towards the common wall with the odorous smoker.”