I felt betrayed, used, and hurt when I learned my wife has been having an affair with a family friend (single father) since we separated two years ago.

She asked for reconciliation and admitted the affair (which I'd suspected).

Also, she'd been so mean about access to the kids. She didn't invite me to my kid's birthday party, yet invited him and his kids.

She tells me now that she actually loved me while she was in bed with him. I don't understand that. She reduced my access time, was rude to me, and told the kids nasty stuff about me. But then says she always loved me, even while with him!

She says that since we were separated, we were free to do what we wanted and she thought I was sleeping with someone... I was not.

Upset

Of course you're upset! Your (ex) friend crossed the line of no return.... you can never trust him again.

And your wife was wrong to deny you access to the kids. It's a cruel way to take out anger, or whatever drove her to the affair and separation. The kids and you all needed normal access unless there was a reason you don't mention.

If you love your wife still, can you trust her again? Do you understand why the separation happened?

These are questions you'll need to work out in counselling together if you want to try again.... especially to mutually agree that if you part again, the children shouldn't be denied either parent.

My younger sister (by three years) and I have never been as close as she and my elder sister. We're all very different. The younger one has periodically shut me out with no explanations when I've asked.

When semi-reconnections occurred, I've walked on eggshells. I was "dis-invited" to my niece's wedding, which nearly broke my heart. She said that I didn't keep contact with her daughter but she had plainly said I wasn't to email her kids.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer caught in the early stages. My elder sister has been a terrific support and I'm doing well. However, the younger phoned out of the blue. She hung up on me when I suggested (yet again) that we get family counselling.

Older sister says to simply agree with everything she says. But I want to explore what I've done to create situations resulting in punishment so I can avoid hurts.

My cancer-appointed therapist says I must avoid as many negative influences as possible. It still hurts and this Christmas was a very lonely time for me since I was shut out of celebrations.

How to Handle?

Look after your peace of mind in the most effective way. Your therapist has given you the right advice - it's health-based. You already know that seeking this joint discussion and family therapy is a negative route. For whatever reason, your younger sister will only see it as looking for blame on her.

She's been self-programmed for years to control your connection and keep herself aloof from any fault in the relationship. She's just not interested in what you're seeking to learn.

You need to accept that it has nothing to do with what you may or may not have done. It's all about her. Your older sister knows this and avoids confrontation. You should do the same; it's better for you. Reach out to your friends and other family members for support and plan ahead to avoid loneliness.

My live-in spouse (ten years) feels it's okay to have coffee dates with single women. He's had pals, one for seven of our eight years together, whom he calls daily.

I've never met them; he never mentions them to me. He spent an extended time back home overseas, and now has more pals - he calls one twice weekly. These calls are made when I'm out.

He's adamant this is my problem. How can we get beyond it?

Very Uncomfortable

Make it his problem too, by telling him you'll have to break up if he doesn't 1) introduce you to his local "pals," 2) stops the secrecy and the exclusion of you from overhearing conversations.

He, like you, is an adult entitled to make friends. But, in a relationship, opposite-sex friendships need to be in the open, and shared when possible. Unless the partner doesn't care. That's not the case here.