My ex introduced a drug-addicted woman into my children’s lives one month after our separation. The kids described their dad having to hold her up because she couldn’t walk, her being angry, and him, too. Anger’s a problem for him.

Over the past two years, she’s been on methadone, recovering.

Her three children were removed from her care. The children’s services agency advised that she’s not to be alone with our children.

Yet my ex leaves them with her when he works on Saturdays, though they could stay with his parents till he’s finished work.

My youngest is ten; the oldest two are 15. She’s all over them constantly rubbing their backs and arms, and has spoken vulgar words to them in the past. They often come home from their dad’s place upset. They’re afraid to say anything to him, although my oldest son has taken on the protector role.

She’s started to try to speak to me and I want nothing to do with her. If she can only be with her own children while supervised, why is it okay for her to be with mine regularly? The agency said she couldn’t be in a caregiver role. But she is anyway.

Frustrated

Write a record of anything disturbing that you’ve witnessed, and/or that your children have described. Arrange an appointment with an agency worker to discuss the situation and whether it indicates your children are at risk.

The kids are old enough to be alerted, without frightening them, of what’s unacceptable, and to report this to you.

Report too that your ex is contravening the order that she not be alone with your kids, and that his parents would be an available choice. So long as you and the kids remain uncomfortable, pursue other options for their visits.

A woman who lives nearby has kindergarten-age twins, a baby, and a nanny. The parents both work.

Another neighbour knew the nanny’s routine, of walking the kids to school along with the baby in a stroller, as her children attended the same school. The nanny went back at lunchtime for them, with the baby, and all returned home.

One June morning, the nanny returned with the baby, then suddenly left, alone. Worried that the baby was left unattended, the neighbour watched for 10 minutes, and then called the mother at work just as the nanny returned.

She reported the absence. To her shock, she was told to mind her own business. The parents haven’t talked to this neighbour since.

Should she report the incident to children’s services so the parents get warned that allowing this is illegal?

Concerned

Without knowing full details – e.g. perhaps someone else was home with the baby (which the mother could’ve told the neighbour) - it’s hard to judge whether this is only concern for the baby, or reflects ongoing tensions between these people.

However, the African proverb, “it takes a village to raise a child,” reminds us that if the baby was being left alone, it was the observer’s businesson behalf of the child’s safety.

And, if she truly believes a baby was left and may be again, she has a duty to report it.

The parents may’ve been annoyed if there was a logical explanation, or embarrassed if there wasn’t. Either way they should’ve thanked her for caring.

The neighbour should discuss with a child welfare officer if this warrants further investigation. And call immediately if it re-occurs.

My sister has long suffered with depression and paranoia. Multiple doctors, support groups, and varying medications haven’t helped. She’s articulate about her problems, yet seems almost unwilling to let go of her sadness.

After listening with compassion for decades, I’m unsure if I’ve helped, hurt, or had neutral effect. I sometimes feel drained afterward, but wish I could help.

How should one respond when the depression’s persisted and it seems that the sufferer doesn’t really want to help him or herself? Example: She quits a support group or doctor rather than follow advice.

Support Sister

Keep listening for as long as you can. She may not follow your advice but she wants/needs to know you care. You’re clearly the positive, reassuring presence in a life she finds bleak and sometimes frightening.

Of course, she needs more than you can give, and also needs to help herself. Someday, the right professional or treatment might click in.