Dear Readers - During one of my recently launched online live chats (they occur Wednesdays, starting at noon, through the website www.thestar.com), there were many extra questions on that day's topic - In-law Troubles.

I'm devoting this column to responding to some questions that the 45-minute chat time couldn't address.

My-brother-in-law is abusive to his four children -threatening to kill them, making them fight each other, squeezing and biting them till they are crying. He says he’s toughening them up.

I could no longer watch this and called social services. My sister found out it was I who called, and no longer wants to talk to me. My mother told me that the children were interviewed and were almost taken away. I feel badly, what should I do?

Disturbed

Feel badly for the children only. You did the right thing. The family’s situation is now on record, which will help the agency decide how to protect the kids if there are further incidents.

You and your family are required by law in most jurisdictions, to report child abuse if you’re aware of, or even suspect it.

Your sister is culpable for not doing something about it, but it’s highly likely this noxious bully abuses her too.

She needs your support, but the children need it more since they can’t just leave. Stay connected to your mother and convince her of how crucial it is that she let you know what’s going on. Also, that she tells your sister she can count on both of you to help her if she leaves this man, or needs other help getting him to counseling or anger management.

My wife and I had a child out of wedlock, I moved from my city to be with them. My parents are very religious and had a hard time with this but came around. However, their original reaction scared my wife. She still feels as though they blame her, over this and anything else that comes up.

My parents try to help us out and want to build a closer relationship with my wife, but she has difficulty believing they’ve changed and feels uncomfortable around them.
We don't get to see my parents often enough to grow a closer relationship. When we visited at Christmas, my parents and siblings confronted us about feeling they’re our last priority because we don't see them often. (It’s difficult with the distance and my wife is a teacher, so she can’t take an extra day off.)

The tension is very thick and I’m caught in the middle. My wife is a very driven person and often doesn’t change her mind. Is there anything I can do to try and fix the relationship between them?

Middle Man

Step up. It's easy to explain the limits of a teacher's timetable, if you speak up! And tell your parents they can't "grow" a relationship if they come out with criticisms when you do visit.

When your wife sees that you're making a case on her behalf, she'll get more confident in this dynamic and less "driven" to stay distant.

That's when you can plan an extended visit during her summer break, when you can all really get to know each other. I strongly recommend you think of a camping or cottage get-together... in separate dwellings. The neutral setting and relaxed environment can help considerably.

My boyfriend's parents make it clear they don't like me. They don't like anyone whom their children date. His sister had a boyfriend, her parents pushed him out, and now they're working on doing the same stuff to me!

We're about to buy a house together. How do I win in this situation? Is he ever going to see the truth? Or should I just get myself out of this deal?

Upset

It's a no-win deal unless your boyfriend gives you assurances - not just promises - that he's aware of their tactics and won't let his parents push you away from him. He must tell them this, and be prepared to distance you two as a couple, if they persist in negative behaviour towards you.

Do NOT buy a house with him until you've seen evidence of his emotional support, and you have a legal agreement on joint ownership.