Dear Readers – When someone communicates to me their relationship experiences, which I believe may be helpful to many, I’m happy to share them. The following reader provided views from a website posting which he related to, on “Understanding the Pain of an Affair.”

I’m including some selections from that posting:

My wife had an affair and got caught 20 months ago. I loved her and would’ve been with her until my dying day.

I would tell my children, early-20s, how lucky I was to still be so in love with someone after all these years. And that they should hope for the same. So much for long range planning!

I’ve been to many web sites and read much on the subject (of being betrayed). I recently came upon an article that really verbalized how I have felt.

Still Hurting 

Posted April 19, 2013 by “Doug” - excerpted from the book Healing from an Affair: A cheater’s guide for helping your spouse heal from an affair:

“Most cheaters (or ex-cheaters) have no clue how much pain we’re causing, especially when we’re in our affairs and immediately after our affairs are discovered.

“We are too wrapped up in the affair or in our own issues to notice.

“Many victims have said that the pain is worse than losing a loved one… (it’s) a pain that keeps on giving and it lingers in the victim’s mind for a long time.

“Each time they experience a trigger, the pain is there again as if the affair just occurred. They have many questions, emotions, images, and feelings that constantly stir up more pain. The affair remains in the mind of the betrayed through every waking moment.

“We’ve caused a severe trauma to our spouses, and it’s a trauma that they never deserved. So we have to do our best and work our hardest to help them past this.

“Ask your wife about her pain after your affair if she hasn’t already told you…. do some surfing online and check out almost any infidelity forum or blog and read some of the entries from those who have suffered as a result of an affair.

“Understanding that pain alone can help to change your way of thinking almost immediately.

“Experts say it takes anywhere from two to four years for a person to recover from infidelity. We are aware of some situations where the trauma has been an issue for 20 years or more.

“Your spouse feels shock, both emotionally and physically. She’s exhausted, feels worthless… has felt anger, sadness, and despair.

“She may suffer from panic attacks and has totally lost her confidence, her self-esteem, and cannot trust herself to make good decisions any longer.

“She may have even thought of suicide. She feels disrespected and wonders how you could’ve done this to her. She trusted you and now everything she believed in as far as your relationship, your marriage, and you as a person has been flushed down the toilet.”

Ellie – In this post, the writer, “Doug” who cheated, is male, and so his message is on behalf of betrayed spouses who generally are women. Of course, men whose wives have cheated experience very similar feelings.

Male or female, the act of cheating creates repercussions for many people – your own loved ones including relatives who feel shamed, any children whose lives are changed by the fallout, and the family and any children of the partner in the affair.

Something to think about.

Lately, I've been suffering some kind of disorder off and on. When the attack comes (often), I shake uncontrollably, feel scared, and want to cry, sometimes I do cry. When I eat, I feel nauseous. (I’m not anorexic, and have no eating disorder). I don’t know the cause of these panic attacks.

My family and social life are normal. I’m not being threatened, or bullied, etc. My life is fine and normal. Could you help me figure this out?

Worried in Singapore

You’ve instinctively felt these are panic attacks. That’s the starting point for seeing a therapist and probing if anything in your past has been triggered recently, by any more recent events. This could even refer to repressed memories, or long-ago traumas re-surfacing.

But I also recommend seeing a medical doctor for a check that there’s no physical health problem sparking some of these symptoms.

Being pro-active in finding answers lessens fears, which only increase your reactions.