I caught my wife of 16 years sext-ing with her best friend’s husband.
It was full-on sex talk; describing everything they were doing to one another in graphic detail. I was shocked that she could do this with another man.
My heart’s been broken and I don’t think I can forgive her for this. I know I can never erase the memory of what I read.
Her friend’s cut off all ties with her. She still doesn’t seem to think it was a big deal because she said she’d never act on it, that it didn’t mean anything, just harmless fun.
She says now she knows it hurt her friend, and me so she won’t do it again. She seemingly doesn’t care that her friend hates her, or that her reputation’s been ruined.
The former friend has blasted her on social media.
But I only care about my family. She won’t tell me how long it was going on, denies even remembering how many times it happened.
Is there anything I can do to save the marriage?
Am I wrong to think this is cheating and that she’s been unfaithful? We have two young kids and I don’t want them to grow up in a broken home.
I’m so angry and betrayed.
A Broken Man
You’re hurt deeply but not broken. Your kids need you, and you need your inner strength to think through how to handle this situation and her cold reaction.
Try to not push for every answer right now. She’s hiding behind an ice wall, hoping the shock will fade and things return to normal.
She needs a wake-up call to the impact of her “harmless fun” on everyone close. She’s put your family life in jeopardy, shattered your trust, made “divorce” a possibility to consider, causing serious anxiety about your kids.
Tell her this, and that you both need to know why she did this. Insist that to go forward, she must see a therapist, and also get marriage counselling with you.
If you don’t get a chance to understand whatever motivated her - whether she felt something was missing, or any other reasons - it’ll be very hard to get past this.
It’s not factual that “it didn’t mean anything.” She was disloyal to you. She used another man for her fantasies and a turn-on, instead of with you. It’s a level of unfaithfulness that can be just as harmful to your relationship as a flat-out affair.
I found out that my husband has another account on twitter and he did not add me.
I found out that he’s been messaging girls and said to one of them, “I love you.”
Should I confront him or not? I don’t want to because he’ll think I am stalking him.
Snooped and Shocked
Yours is the far lesser mis-deed.
You snooped because of some instinct or clue that he was messing around.
Confront him. Be firm that it’s his behaviour that can ruin your marriage. You have evidence, it no longer matters how you got it.
Tell him that snooping is “wrong” if it’s done for no reason. But if that’s the only way you could discover that he’s being sneaky, deceitful, and leading women towards emotional cheating if not more, so be it.
He must stop. In the meantime, you must get some legal advice on your own, so you’re prepared to tell him the consequences if you find he has not stopped.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man wondering what red flags to look for in his early, but enticing, online dating connection (Oct. 31):
Reader – “Thanks for printing my e-mail to you, with your sound advice.
“I'm the Ottawa man with two online dating replies from a “widowed” Florida woman.
“The communication has now ended.
“In one of her pictures, I noticed what looked like a wedding ring on the ring finger of her left hand.
“I asked her if that picture was taken when she was with her husband. I never heard back.”
Ellie – I’m so glad you caught her out. While there are numerous online dating successes, there are many more players and scammers. As I wrote:
She’s 40, living in Florida, and looking for “something permanent” with you after two emails.
You’re 18 years her senior, living in another country, with cold winters.
The couple’s scheme likely involved her manipulating money from you.
Tip of the day:
Any form of infidelity, or disloyalty to a partner, is hurtful to the relationship.