Here are some leftovers questions from the Live Chat on Cheating, Nov. 3:
Reader - "Once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Not necessarily, but twice is a bad sign.
Reader - "Can you define "emotional cheating?" My best guy friend is in a relationship, but he and I talk every day through text messages or online. We talk about anything and everything.
"I think people sometimes wonder about us because a few years back we almost dated (key word being almost, but didn't)."
You lean on each other, but apparently don't have the passion for a romance. Meanwhile, he's the one either emotionally cheating on his girlfriend, or else he's a needy guy who likes sharing, venting, and whining with more than one person. Find someone who also loves just you.
Reader - "Should you tell the wife if the man is cheating and he has a child with the other woman?"
Examine your own motive, first. If the wife is your close relative or best friend, you might want to share this information, but be prepared to lose your relationship with her... out of anger, disbelief, or already knowing.
Also, if you've known this for a long time, why did you withhold the information until now? Be careful there's no revenge in you, because it often looks worse on the messenger.
Reader - "Is it cheating when you have a psychological issue caused by the partner? But you don't enjoy it, nor want it, but can't control your body?"
Sounds like you're in trouble here, with someone manipulating you terribly. Get counselling help, you should not be having sex when you neither want it nor enjoy it.
Reader - "What's the main cause for why people cheat? I've tried to end my affair many times but he keeps asking me back, and I go back. What's wrong with me? And what type of counselling will help me mend my ways?"
Any experienced therapist can help you probe insecurities, anxieties, neediness etc., which are some of the reasons people "cheat" and risk their other relationship.
Reader - "I was molested and raped by an uncle and aunt. I'm not gay or bi-sexual but I have sought men to numb the pain.
"My wife found some emails and thinks I'm gay. She's the only one who knew about the rape and molesting. I got help to prove I'm not gay or bi, that I was acting out what happened to me. How do I get her to believe this?"
Rather than make assumptions, your wife should attend some therapy sessions with you, so you can both learn how to handle the after-effects of this terrible abuse you suffered.
Reader - "I'm married and have a crush on my boss, who's definitely interested in me. We flirt all the time and it makes my day great! He flatters me far more than my husband, who's a grouch when I come home late and all happy.
"Sometimes I think an affair is justified to get you through the tough years when home life is demanding and full of chores."
Okay, you made your case for cheating. So what's stopping you? Maybe it's the countless stories of women who sleep with the boss but eventually lose their jobs when the wife finds out, or when the women get emotional about the affair? Think, before you act.
Reader - "My husband spent most of our married life (40 years) involved in cheating. However, guilt eventually surfaces."
Reader - "My girlfriend and I have different viewpoints. I can't even think of cheating with another person when I'm with someone I love, and I find that it's weak for someone to make such a mistake.
"I've said if I ever found out she cheated, I'd end the relationship because I could no longer trust her.
"However, she believes that mistakes happen and the couple should work it out. Am I too black and white on cheating?"
Yes and No. Over a long-term relationship, there are ups and downs, when the heat of love sometimes goes cool. IF one partner strays, and the other can understand how it happened - which takes open discussion, apology, forgiveness, and re-building trust - then couples can survive a cheating incident.
However, if you refuse to consider how and why it happened, then finding forgiveness may be impossible for you - rightly or wrongly doesn't matter.
Tip of the day:
Cheating devastates relationships; rarely is it a solution.