My husband is having an affair and everyone in our community knows about it, including me. I have spoken to him about it a few times and each time, he pretends not to know what I’m talking about. He denies knowing the person in question even though we first met her together at a function.
On my first attempt at talking to him, he denied everything. I let it go because I was instructed by someone who had been in my position to do it this way. Let them know you suspect, ignore their denial, hope it’s enough for them to stop.
It wasn’t, so I was instructed to confront him again, argue the facts of her very existence, and tell him in no uncertain terms that I know about the affair as do many others. That wasn’t enough to stop him. On my third attempt to get him to acknowledge and take responsibility for his actions, I gave him an ultimatum.
Still nothing. I want this man out of my house, and out of my life. But I’m concerned for the children. And I’m more concerned that he STILL is pretending it’s not happening. Is he completely delusional? Does he think I’m stupid?
What do I do?
Cheating Husband
You need to speak to a lawyer to gather information and learn your rights. If you are absolutely certain that your husband is cheating on you, you have given him ample opportunity to “come clean,” and he hasn’t, there’s no reason why you can’t take further steps to ending your marriage. You have every right to live free of your lying, cheating husband.
You could offer him the option to speak to a professional together, like a marriage counsellor, if you want to try and repair the damage. Any lawyer will ask if you’ve tried couples’ counselling and if there’s any chance of reconciliation.
Is he delusional? Maybe. He’s obviously not thinking clearly if he continues to deny something that the community is aware of. My concern is also your children. You didn’t mention their ages, but kids talk, parents talk, and it would be awful for them to hear about their father’s indiscretions through gossip.
Speak to a lawyer. Knowledge is power.
My wife and I opted not to have children. We both have serious careers and work long, hard hours. And we live in a city that is expensive and not that conducive to raising children. It took us a few years to stop second guessing ourselves, which was painful whenever one of us would bring it up. Surprisingly, I was the one who would have doubts more often than she would.
It’s been about a decade since we stopped discussing it and we’re both absolutely fine with our decision. Not long ago, my wife was diagnosed with uterine hyperplasia, and she’s booked for a hysterectomy. For whatever reason, this has pushed her over the edge and she’s apoplectic.
How can I help her see that she needs this operation for her health, and that the parts of her body being removed weren’t in use anyway?
Past her Prime
Your sign off is exactly NOT what your wife needs or wants to hear. For many women, the telltale signs of ageing are when their menstrual cycle stops, and their body goes into menopause. Besides the symptoms, it’s nature’s way of counting the years. Though you and your wife agreed not to have children, she (perhaps) always assumed she still could. The hysterectomy will change that – and her – forever.
Be emotionally supportive. Show her love and understanding. Help her go through this change, not by dismissing it as perfunctory.
FEEDBACK Regarding the family with seating issues on their flight (March 21):
Reader – “I’m sorry this family had to go through that. But why take a chance booking flights without paying for seats?? A couple, no kids, I get it. But a family?? They should have taken the ‘families first’ policy with the grain of salt. Our airlines, domestic and international, perpetuate these fees like a scam. If you think they care about you, they don’t. Their system is electronic; no real person is setting seating arrangements. This family should have prepaid for their seats or spent more money on their flight purchase that included seat selection.
“Did you know flight attendants don’t get paid for helping you BEFORE the door closes? Why would they help a family sit together?
“Checking your boarding pass isn’t enough. Families must be proactive and pay for seat selection, so they aren’t disappointed.”
A frequent traveller who knows better