Several months ago, I started sleeping with my ex-good friend’s ex-husband. It was just for sex at first, but then he told me he was falling in love with me and it was mutual. We’d go away on weekends together, have dinners out, etc. Then we discovered that his ex-wife contracted a sexually transmitted disease from one of her many "lovers", so we got tested (both clean). While filling out the paperwork, he admitted to sleeping with someone else the night before, four hours after I’d left his house. I was heart broken. He cried and apologized and said he’d die if he lost me, but I'm having a hard time getting past it. I'm so worried, I love him as much as he “claims” to love me. Am I setting myself up for heartache, or could he actually regret what he did and mean that he won't do it again?
- Fearing More Heartbreak
The writing on the paperwork said it all: Though he’d just been with you, he indulged in “take-out” sex. There’s not even an excuse for you to accept or reject, such as his having gotten carried away when out of town missing you. He may “love” you in his selfish way, but this guy brings neither respect nor trust to a relationship. Perhaps his ex-wife’s many “lovers” caused him to doubt his manhood, so he keeps testing it. But that’s just my guess. He’d need counseling to get to the root of his playing fast and loose with someone he supposedly loves. Meantime, decide if you can put up with his cheating… because it’ll surely happen again unless he gets help to change.
I’m depressed over a weakening of ties with my late brother's family. He died two years ago; since then, my once-close sister-in-law has pushed me away. She even restricted my ability to see my brother on his last days (only immediate family allowed) - ostensibly on doctor’s orders - which I learned later, was untrue and applied only to me. I want to maintain a relationship with her, and my nephews and their families, but she won’t initiate communication with me and is usually unresponsive if I contact her. I understand her needing closeness with her children and their spouses, but we’ve been family for 30 years. Should I confront her with my feelings? It's been hard enough to live without my brother.
- Pushed Away
Though you’ve lost the same person, you’re experiencing different grieving. She’s lost her daily companion, and likely also feels less secure. So she’s clinging closer to her family support. No doubt the last phase of her husband’s illness was difficult, and for some reason she couldn’t handle any other presence but that tight-knit group. However, enough time has passed for you to approach her – NOT confrontationally. Write her, saying that you miss her company, and participating as family with your nephews and their children, and you want to keep contact. Don’t comment on your own grief, but rather about the value of extended family relationships. Even if she fails to respond, continue sending birthday cards and other acknowledgements to your nephews and their families, as they may well come around to wanting you back in their lives as part of their father’s family.
My boyfriend recently moved in with me and my parents. They love him; he treats me like a queen. But my longtime best friend has jealousy issues. She’s always hunting for a boyfriend, and has even stolen my now-ex’s. She won’t let my boyfriend come along when she and I hang out together. My boyfriend thinks she just uses me; he’s nice to her but doesn’t like her. Since he’s moved in with my family, she’s been laying a guilt trip on me, refusing to come over. I feel like I'm on the battlefield between the guy I love and my best friend.
- Between Enemies
She’s no “best” friend, she’s a competitor… but only if you stay in the battle. Since your family approves so much of your choice of boyfriend, you’ve clearly got a winner. Tell your friend you won’t put up with her rejecting him, nor her guilt trips. You’re happy to stay friends, but not if she keeps trying to isolate you from him. Then, she’ll be the loser. However, if she backs off, it’s wise for close girlfriends to have some separate “hangout time” together, such as a weekly girls’ get-together.
Tip of the day:
Cheating just for kicks is a habit that dies hard.