My boyfriend and I split up after being together for over a decade. We have one daughter, aged six. I am convinced that he was cheating on me on two separate occasions, though I’ve never been able to prove either. We tried going to counselling but he would shut down completely. All my issues were met with cold stares and a stone wall of silence. After several months, in our last session, he denied everything I was upset about, then shifted all the blame on to me, and walked out stating that our relationship was over.

Since then, he has only come home to get his stuff, or to pick up our daughter. On those occasions, he is polite, warm, engaging and punctual – very different from how he behaved when we were together. For example, if I was working late and needed him to pick up our daughter from school and take her to dance, he was invariably late, which meant the school would call me concerned, and the dance teacher would call me concerned. This drove me crazy because it wasn’t conducive to allowing me to get my work done. I may as well have not gone to work and done the pick-up/drop-off myself.

He also stopped asking me anything about my life: my work, my family, my feelings. And I was hurt. But now, he asks after everyone. What’s going on here?

Flipped the switch

Perhaps your ex-boyfriend is having a wake-up call to the life, and love, he left behind. Perhaps he’s recognizing where he went astray (and I’m not referring to his infidelities) and is trying to change his ways. This is not necessarily to get back together with you. Perhaps not being with you has given him some relief (his reasoning, not mine) and he is behaving better.

I don’t know, but if I were you, I’d just accept it. He’ll always be your daughter’s father, and he seems to want to be involved. Better he’s doing a better job at it then before. And with his new attitude, it should be easier to move forward, and end things amicably.

My father was an old-school kind of dad. He was cold, unemotional, at least to me; he never gave me a hug or a kiss. It was always a pat on the back and a handshake. I didn’t know any better growing up except that I saw the way other dads treated their sons. But I was too afraid to ask my friends about it, or to talk about it with my dad.

I was very close with my mom, and she long made up for the lack of physical affection by always hugging and kissing me. I thought that was how it was, and the discrepancy between their two ways of loving was normal. It wasn’t until she died that I recognized there was something broken in my father. He barely cried at her funeral, or since.

By the time I had children of my own, I knew I wasn’t like my dad, and that being effusive with your children, no matter their gender, was normal. So, I showered my children with love. And they returned the love.

I still feel as though I’m missing something.

Lacking love

I’m happy for you that you can show your children love, and that they give it back in return. You mentioned that all is well in your relationship with your partner as well.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to fill the void of your childhood or turn back the clock. I strongly recommend personal therapy to release yourself from that history and move forward surrounded by love.

FEEDBACK Regarding “All I want for Christmas” (Dec. 22):

Reader – “While I understand the husband’s feelings and his desire to sock it to his cheating wife, this is not the way to go.  It will only make him look petty and pitiful.  He should take the high road rather than the tacky road and handle this matter in private, especially if there are children.

“It sounds as if his family would be amenable to excluding the cheating couple from any Christmas gatherings. That would be preferable to turning what should be a festive event into a titillating spectacle that will have family tongues wagging for decades — even should the couple reconcile.

“He’s hurt and should certainly let his wife know that. But in public, cool disdain will do more for his long-term self-respect and dignity than any public outing could achieve.”

Lisi – You’re not wrong, but I don’t think he cared at that point.