I’m a man in my late-50s who married 30 years ago because my then-girlfriend got pregnant. I felt I had to do “the right thing,” but there was never any real love between us, just the sex we both wanted.

Now, I feel like we’re both missing out on a real love relationship, and we should be trying to rekindle a flame that never existed between us.

But what are my options? If I leave now, I’ll feel as though I’ve stayed for no good reason.

We only have the one son. I don’t want him to screw up his life over the wrong girlfriend. That’s exactly what I did in my own life.

My son must see that his mother and I have almost nothing in common.

Or, is he too involved in his own life (he’s in his late-20s) with his friends? Does he realize he needs to fully love someone and feel that he’s loved back for anything to last between him and a girlfriend, past the initial sexual turn-on?

Should I tell him I made a mistake and that I don’t want him to do what I did?

Sex isn’t Love

No, you should NOT tell your son that his parents’ marriage is a mistake. You’d be telling him of your own unhappiness (something most young adults don’t want to hear about from their parents).

Instead, ask him if he has a serious friend for whom he feels love. It can open a conversation about the qualities that he’s looked for so far in a potential partner, and the ways that a couple can remain loving through the years ahead.

Generally, telling an adult child of your own marital problems is a burden most offspring don’t want to know about. If your home life is an open book of arguments between you and your wife, the lack of love and communication between you two will be obvious.

Keep it to yourself. If you can bring some positive changes to your marriage, even at this time of many years later, give it a try. Instead of blaming your wife or your own lack of maturity at the time of marrying, accept that you both could do better. Even now.

Being positive will go a lot farther than seeing your marriage only as a mistake, and perhaps even encourage your son to think through whether he’s eventually attracted to someone more for sex, or for a close and loving commitment to stay together.

My nephew is engaged to a girl who is disliked by his friends and our entire family. She dismissed the first engagement ring he gave her as “too insignificant.”

She says his parents’ home is too small and she’d never settle for one like that because she comes from a large family whom she intends to entertain regularly. But she’s openly rude and distanced from my nephew’s parents and relatives such as myself.

I just don’t understand what this otherwise-decent young man sees in this woman. Her family may be very successful, but they’ve raised a very snooty, unlikeable daughter.

Disappointed Aunt

I don’t have a crystal ball to see the future, but the present situation described here looks unpleasant: A rude, demanding young woman who disrespects her fiancé’s family, and turns up her nose at a “too-small” engagement ring.

If your nephew doesn’t get the picture now, he’ll either get lost in her family’s “success” drive, or move on.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman with the big belly whose child is worried that people will think she’s pregnant (Feb. 13):

“As a dairy farmer, I need to let you know that oats, almonds and soybeans do not lactate therefore they do not produce milk. Saying that the liquid is white therefore it is milk would be like saying she has a big belly, therefore she is pregnant.

“This is in reference to your column.

“I do enjoy your column and you and Ellie give good advice. Life can be complicated for a lot of people.”

Lisi – Thank you for your perspective. What’s confusing though is that the liquid produced by oats, almonds and soybeans is in fact sold as oat milk, almond milk and soy milk. Not a great argument.

Having said that, it’s usually easy to tell if someone is overweight, has a “beer belly,” or is pregnant. Different weight distribution and shape to the belly.