Dear Readers - If confession is good for the soul, is it equally helpful to the partner of a cheater who has 'fessed up about his infidelity? Here are your responses to the question: Whether to Confess (Aug. 21 column):

Reader - "My experience of confessing, as advised by my therapist, was disastrous. My then-husband wouldn't allow me to forget that I'd made that mistake. He pestered me for details, though we were in marriage counselling and working toward reconciliation.

"Meanwhile, he continued to deny that he'd physically assaulted me three times in two years, and repeatedly claimed that it was my transgression that caused our marriage to fail. I did not cheat on him until AFTER he started assaulting me. Confessing is probably a mistake. Keep it to yourself, and get on with your life."

Reader - "I'd want to know if I'd been cheated on - whether it was once, twice or an ongoing affair. Then I'd have the right to choose to leave, which I most certainly would. It's only fair to have all the facts, or else you're merely participating in a facade of a relationship.

"However, it's unfair for the cheater to confess just to unload guilt feelings. The partner experiences terrible hurt and humiliation, while the cheater gets to feel better after disclosure. The betrayed person is the loser in both situations.

"I say, the cheater should simply break up with someone if they have intentions of continually cheating, and should keep their mouth shut if it was a one-time, never-to-be-repeated dalliance."

Reader - "I'm the former spouse of someone who cheated on me with a married co-worker, and had a baby with the mistress. If I hadn't suspected my ex-husband of cheating (I did), if there was no baby conceived, and if he got the appropriate help and made healthy changes, I wouldn't have wanted to know about the affair."

Reader - "Confession might be good for the cheater's soul, it might clear his/her conscience and get a weight off the chest (do we see a rather self-centered pattern emerging here?) but it would devastate the partner for life, and where that would lead is anybody's guess!

"People should find a good therapist to get them through this, but DO NOT hurt your partner to salve your conscience."

Reader - "A person needs to think long and hard about why he/she wants to confess a one-time fling. If it's to alleviate guilt, better to talk to a professional and explore any personal issues.

"But if there've been problems in the marriage, and the spouse raises his/her concerns, the person should be honest about the affair and deal with his/her infidelity, with a professional's help.

"BUT, a confession is necessary for health reasons,

if no protection was used during this fling. Then, both spouses need to get tested."

Reader - "ALWAYS confess, immediately. Having been cheated on, I can honestly say the lying and secrecy was far more hurtful and damaging to me than the actual act of cheating. Even when I suspected and confronted my partner, all I got was denial. It made me realize that no matter how hard I'd try to save the relationship, I knew I'd never believe a word out of my partner's mouth.

"But, had it been confessed immediately after, I would've accepted it as an honest mistake, one that my partner immediately recognized as a mistake. It would've been the key to salvaging the relationship."

Reader - "My husband and I were going through a "rough patch," and seeing a therapist. Still, he began telephone conversations with a female colleague...then they started meeting for coffee.

"I discovered these meetings before their relationship could grow into a full-blown (sexual) affair. He confessed when I questioned him, and responded with details.

"I stayed, partly because there was no sex involved (a deal-breaker for me) and because we have young children. I still suffer with issues of distrusting him and feeling insecure.

"If I hadn't known about the liaison, I wouldn't

be dealing with trust/insecurity issues along with our marital problems (which I believe would've resolved themselves much sooner without).

" If someone makes a one-time mistake, or realizes that what she/he is doing is wrong, they should stop their damaging behaviour, get help for themselves, but do not

deeply hurt their partners by confessing. Their partners may never recover from it."