Help! I’m stuck in the role of caregiver and I’m only 26! My mom left me and my dad when I was just four years old, so it’s always been just the two of us. He was a great dad to me, and we spent all our time together. He had a relationship for 10 years, but unfortunately, that woman passed away, as did my dad’s brother. They had no other family.
Last year, my dad fell and hit his head. The trauma caused a brain bleed, and he hasn’t been the same since. He needs a live-in caregiver so he’s never alone, just in case. Thankfully, I have found an amazing job, on my career path, in the same city as my dad. I say thankfully, because if this had happened a few years ago, I was across the country at university.
We have enough funds for this, so that’s not the issue. But I am the one responsible for all the decisions and for taking him everywhere he needs to be.
I love my dad more than anything, I’m just not sure how this is going to play out.
Current Care
I’m so sorry for your dad and for the way this accident has changed your lives. If you have the funds, then the caregiver is very helpful. The daytime help allows you the opportunity to go to work, get ahead in your career, and make money. The nighttime help allows you to have a life and get your sleep. But yes, everything else falls on your shoulders and that’s a heavy burden, for anyone regardless of age.
I hope that you have been able to speak with your manager/supervisor and that they are sympathetic to your situation. I also hope that you have good friends who you can rely on, and perhaps even someone whom you love and whom you can lean into.
Unfortunately, if being the sole caregiver becomes too burdensome for you, you may have to find him a spot in a facility that caters to people in his situation. Again, nothing is inexpensive, but you’ll have to figure out what is sustainable for you. Speak to a financial advisor and your father’s primary health care adviser. And perhaps talk to one of your friend’s parents whom you feel you can trust and will give you good advice in this area.
FEEDBACK Regarding the homoerotic artist (Aug. 20):
Reader – “I love how your reader's questions and your replies often get me thinking more deeply about issues. Today's letter from 'artist in pain' is one such column. Initially I sympathized with the writer, saddened that her friends couldn't encourage her through their attendance.
“Thinking about it further, I began to wonder what 'homo erotic' art might be. Forgive me if I am being ignorant here, but might some, in all good conscience, consider such art - homo or hetero - to be 'porn'? The artist describes the art as very homo erotic. I don't mean to be judgemental or 'prudish' but, if invited, I think I might struggle to attend an event surrounded by such art. Even if there was a separate space to gather, I really don't know that I would want to attend, even to celebrate the artist, if not the art. Would that be wrong?
“The artist has the right to create and display their work, but I believe their friends also have the right to their feelings and comfort levels. As a group of friends, I'm sure there are many other opportunities to enjoy their friendship and I hope they might love, encourage and celebrate their artist friend in other ways.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the wedding ring post-divorce (Aug. 21):
Reader #1 – “Since she said there was ‘a painful custody battle,’ it could be given to the child. It would remain in the family and not cause further pain to the writer.”
Reader #2 – “I also wondered what to do with my ring after my divorce. I had my goldsmith cut it precisely through our initials engraved on the inside. He bent the halves slightly then turned them into a pair of striking earrings.”
Reader #3 – “Given that she was in an abusive relationship, it’s time to put the ring away, move forward, focus on healing.
“There might be a time in the future when the ring loses its symbolism. But for now, she should tuck it away in a safe place and heal. She might want to celebrate by buying herself a new carved ring as a symbol of her strength to move forward and put the past behind.”