My sister moved away only to leave me alone with her dog, and our dad who is suffering dementia. I’m so annoyed with her, and I don’t know what to do.
The story goes that she asked me to watch her dog while she went on a two-week yoga retreat in Costa Rica. She had been taking care of our dad while I was working. That’s not to say I wasn’t helping; I just couldn’t help all day every day. She told me she needed a break, and could I watch her dog while she was away. We also got a second PSW to help with dad, and I let my office know that I was going to be working less during that two-week period to be with him.
After a week, she called and said she had met the nicest guy. I wasn’t surprised; my sister always meets nice guys on vacation. Five days later, she sent me an email saying she was extending her trip one week and thanked me profusely for dealing with her dog. Fortunately, the PSW was able to extend, and I was able to back out of a conference, giving me more flexibility.
At the end of that week, my sister called and said she was in love, staying in Costa Rica with her new beau, and she would try to bring her dog down as soon as she could. I’m now the proud owner of a dog who needs walking three times a day, and a dad who is suffering and confused as to where his other daughter has gone.
How do I deal with this?
Cop out in Costa Rica
Your sister sounds as though she was burning out and was smart to indulge in self-care. However, she’s now abandoned you, her dog and your dad. That’s not very helpful or thoughtful. In fact, that’s very unfair.
Unfortunately, short of flying down there and dragging her home by the ear, there’s nothing you can do about what choices she’s made. You can’t control her.
But you CAN control yourself and how you choose to handle things. So, let’s break it down: do you want to try to keep the dog? If so, can you afford his food and care? You mentioned he needs three walks a day. Can you afford a dog walker? I’m a dog lover, so I would say, give it a try. If you can’t handle him, you can’t handle him. And we’ll deal with that when the time comes.
As for your dad and his care: no specifics were mentioned so I don’t know how advanced his Alzheimer’s is at this point. If you can supplement the help he needs with PSWs and your own time, then great. If you can’t, then you may need to find an assisted living situation for him.
What’s important here is for you to also not burn out, since you mentioned you already have a stressful, time-consuming job. You’re only one person, and there are only so many hours in a day.
I also suggest you speak with a therapist to help you process everything. And, though your sister has abandoned you, it would be good practice to converse with her before making any drastic changes. For example, if you find you cannot handle her dog, tell her so before putting him up for adoption. She may change her plans. And the same goes for any major changes regarding your dad.
FEEDBACK Regarding the golf getaway (Aug. 21):
Reader – “It’s always best to confirm details in writing. When I make plans with friends - even for lunch - we always confirm via email. Dates for a golf week should have been confirmed in writing so there was no mistake.
“A friend of mine who was injured in a motor-vehicle accident two years ago was offered $50,000 verbally to settle by the insurance company. Now that it is close to the limitation date of two years, she was offered $10,000. She reminded the adjuster of the original offer. The adjuster denied it.
“It’s unfortunate that she didn't confirm the previous offer in writing even if she just wanted to think about it. She’s now hired a lawyer. When I worked for a litigation lawyer, before email, everything was confirmed via letter writing. It is very important to always confirm any changes, important instructions, dates, conversations in writing.”