Recently my husband started car-pooling with an attractive single woman. They’ve become friends.

Several weeks ago she text-messaged him to come over. He lied to me and said he was going to his brothers’ place to watch the game, and went to her place till the wee hours.

I later learned he wasn’t at his brother's house and put two and two together.

When confronted, he said he was with her; I accused him of cheating, he denies it. He said he just went over there to smoke pot with her.

He continues to car pool with her.

A week later, he left me and our kids, saying my not believing him hurt him so much.

We have no intimacy in our relationship and have not had sex in seven months.

Now he says he made a mistake and wants to get back together. He still denies anything has happened between him and this woman.

I want to believe him but it’s just so far-fetched.

- Doubtful

If you focus only on this car-pool-and-pot drama, you’ll miss the point. Something’s been a problem in your marriage for awhile… more than seven months.

When intimacy gets dropped, there’s an underlying reason that led up to the distancing. If he does come back, you two won’t last unless you open up to each other about what went wrong before the night of the long smoke. You’ll find this discussion a lot easier if you get the help of a professional counselor to guide you through it.

Though you both say you want to be together, you’re going to have to uncover why you’ve dropped the important bonding that normally stops committed couples from behaviour like lying to, and disbelieving one another.

My in-laws’ home is crumbling and filthy; I feel uncomfortable visiting and eating there (or using the bathroom). The house is small and cramped, so there’s no area with less mess.

I now refuse to stay over because I can’t sleep for worrying about mice (I saw one once). I mentioned the mouse to my in-laws and never received an apology or any concern or embarrassment.

His parents are relatively well-off, and his mother is a stay-at-home parent of grown children, so it's not as though there isn’t time for cleaning. My spouse doesn't want to raise the issue because it’ll hurt his parents’ feelings. I understand but worry that when we have children, they won’t get to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa because their home is unsafe for little ones to crawl around.

Also, my refusal to stay overnight there is causing a huge rift between myself and my spouse.

How can we solve this issue when they choose to live in squalor?

We live six hours away, in a small apartment, so hosting them at our home really isn't an option.

- Can't stand the dirt

One mouse doesn’t make for a dump, so be mindful not to exaggerate the situation, which would demean your husband as well as his family.

However, you shouldn’t have to sleep where you feel uncomfortable. The cramped quarters are a logical reason for starting a new pattern of staying at a nearby, affordable hotel when you visit.

Your husband could hint to his parents that it’s a “romantic vacation” atmosphere he’s seeking, rather than mention any negatives. His parents may even be happy to not have you crowding in, so long as they’re not responsible for the change.

My ex and I amicably share parenting of our sons, ages 6 and 8.

We split when she realized she’s a lesbian; she lives with her girlfriend.

How should we start the conversation with the boys about the different living situations?

We’ve answered individual questions but haven’t put it all together. I fear they’ll eventually be picked on at school. We want to prepare them to manage situations they may encounter.

- Not the Cleavers

Preparing for a consistent response is wise. Both of you should read the abundant resource material on the subjects of gay parenting, on different family forms, and on handling complex relationship questions; then discuss together what you’re both comfortable with as explanation.

Keep assuring the children of your own acceptance of the different situations, and your equal ability to love and raise them. Kids are remarkably flexible, especially when they learn acceptance of diversity early.