I discovered that my fiancé has been having an affair with his ex-girlfriend for a year. We have a baby together and were planning to marry.
He says he doesn't know why he did it; he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He's cheated on all his past girlfriends. When we first started going out, he cheated on me with this ex and I left him. He promised to change - even his friends and family saw change happening.
He recently found out that he's bipolar and blames everything on this. He's going for help and wants me to go with him. I love him, and he's the best father.
P.S. His ex told me she's always going to go after him.
- Can This Work?
Cheaters come up with a variety of excuses, but a bona fide medical diagnosis does carry some weight.
Go with him for the therapy he's getting for his bipolar condition. For your baby's sake, you need to know more about it. You'll also learn whether his repeated infidelities were a behaviour that can change permanently through treatment and self-understanding. He also needs to end ALL contact with his ex.
Meanwhile, put off your wedding plans. In therapy, you should discuss how you'll raise the baby together should he cheat again and you decide to separate permanently from him.
My boyfriend of one year (my first, at 28) accuses me of being jealous because I don't like that he spends most of OUR time together with his close female friend.
I'm uncomfortable with how much time he's with her; sometimes without me. We always go to dinner and movies with her and her husband. I've mentioned my concern to her, and she thinks I'm a control freak. Her husband doesn't mind, they've even gone on holidays together.
My boyfriend has other friends whom he sees less but I'd like to get to know them better. It would be even better if we spent more time together, alone.
His female friend has suggested to my boyfriend that she fix him up with another one of her friends who recently broke up. My boyfriend hasn't rejected the idea and didn't seem upset when he recounted that conversation. He sided with his friend in accusing me of being jealous and controlling and said that his friends come first, before his girlfriend.
Get walking, and leave Mr. Play Date with his gal pal.
He almost had me thinking you were overreacting since he's friends with her husband too. But not turning down her mischievous set-up suggestion, and putting her before you, are both serious No-No's in a relationship.
Don't let this "first" turn you off meeting new men to date - just make sure they're mature enough, before you get seriously involved.
My life is a total mess: I fell in love with the perfect guy; six months later he had to move away. This is my graduating year, I'm an honour roll student, student council president, I'm on every team and involved in almost every extra curricular activity.
It's hard work to keep up with it all. I'm always worrying.
I can only let go when I stumble into bed at 1 a.m. and cry myself to sleep. I worry that I'm going to slip into depression. It hurt me so much when that guy left and I feel so stupid because I'm still young and didn't even know him that long. I just want to curl up into a ball. I fell too hard and there was no one there to catch me.
- Falling Forever
You're letting yourself suffer a double whammy, instead of protecting yourself. Your many accomplishments are only admirable if you can handle them. What's more impressive is the person who knows when to cut back under pressure.
Focus on what's necessary: Staying on the honour roll is important; showing up for every activity and team is not. After all, if you burn out, you'll end up being forced to stop almost everything for awhile, so start fitting rest and relaxation periods into your schedule, and drop the extras.
As for your love life, stay in touch with this guy if possible, and perhaps you two can plan to meet in the summer. For now, he's a lovely memory. You'd have to get to know him better, to find out if he's truly "perfect" over time.
Tip of the day:
A cheater can change, if he/she has the will and self-knowledge to do so.