My cousin's wife confided to me that she's fed up with her marriage. She listed many reasons why, and if I only listened to her side, I'd understand her leaving him.

But my husband has heard his side, and he has just as many complaints! They've not yet been to counseling but each says that if only the other would change, things would get better. Each believes they've done what they can.

My husband and I don't know if we should sit them down together as if we're the counselors, or each talk to the other and reveal what we've learned.

In Between

Get out of the middle! You could ruin far more than you'll help, including your own relationships with this cousin and her husband.

Your concern is caring, but neither will appreciate the intrusion, because each is locked into their own perspective.

Only a process of professional counseling can help these two, and then only if they both are open to hearing the other side and each willing to make changes. So far, that's not happening.

They may have to go to the abyss of divorce, before they re-consider holding so rigidly to their own views.

Years ago, my brother-in-law and I set up our best friends. They hit it off instantly and married last summer. Since they've been together, my friend is a different person. She's very distant, hardly calls, and never makes time for our peers or me (yet always has time for his friends).

He's made inappropriate comments about my friends and me (e.g. we're "boring") and has publicly insulted my profession and where I live. I make a big effort to be friendly, but get only one-word answers.

No matter who I dated, I ensured always having "girl time." Our friendship was always a priority to me. We were each other's MOH at our weddings. I drove around the city and spent hours online finding her a stunning dress that suited her body type. Yet she took such a lackadaisical approach to her role that my cousin had to take charge and do everything.

Afterwards, she made hurtful comments regarding the upscale nature of my wedding. I was angry and hurt, but put my feelings aside for her wedding. Time and time again, I offered to help and she said I wasn't needed.

Since then, we've spoken a few times and seen one another at common occasions. Conversation is strained. She never asks me questions about what's going on in my life. She always has "something else" planned on her days off, with his friends.

I've let her know how I feel. She insists that our friendship is important to her, yet does nothing to change things. Part of me wants nothing to do with her but I know that will prove unpleasant at our common functions.

Distanced

Face reality - your friend has some jealousies (your upscale wedding and perhaps other financial differences). These may've been repressed previously, but resented more by her new-husband with whom she's naturally attuned.

She may also be in a union that requires devotion to him and his thinking about people, beyond all else. He's either a controller or she's not ready to stand up for old friends.

You've stated your feelings, you've tried to get together, now give her space. There's no need to cut ties completely. You'll likely drift apart for some time, but without a heavy verbal split, you'll be able to see each other at those events, without it being a big confrontation.

FEEDBACK Regarding the friend worried about her close girlfriend who appears to be "settling" for her fiancé (Aug. 8):

Reader - "Your friend's been dating this guy for two years. He is "a really nice guy who's openly affectionate and loving with her. She thinks he will make a great dad."

"Believe me, I know personally that those qualities will make for a stable, contented marriage. You are looking for that indefinable thing of her being in love.   Many people do marry based entirely on chemistry, which is delicious, but unfortunately wears off in time.     "However, by contrast, the happiness you feel with an affectionate, nice guy who is a good dad never wears off."

Your point is well taken, though not infallible. The security and comfort of a "good person" is what she wants most. A friend's role is to be supportive, even though you may eventually be proved right.