My wife of 23 years had an intimate, secret, two-year affair with a man she knew years ago.
I discovered it and was heartbroken and hurt. All of our friends and family found out. We separated for almost a year.
We decided to try and work things out, initially progressing. Then I discovered they’re going to the same gym where they originally met.
She says nothing’s going on, but I don't believe her.
I expressed my concerns, but she won’t consider my feelings, won't stop going to "her" gym, and doesn't ask me to join her.
I suspect that even if I did join her they’d pretend not to know each other. Her affair partner’s married with his own family and still lives with them.
She acts like nothing’s going on, but there’s no intimacy between us. She won't move out nor make any concessions for me. She wants to live her normal family life but do as she pleases.
I feel I have no choice but to divorce her. What do I do?
For a marriage to renew after an affair, there must be a sincere effort to regain trust, and mutual discussion of what was missing in the marriage that allowed this to happen.
She’s not trying to reassure you she can be trusted again. You’re both not discussing the state of your union, i.e. acknowledging your feelings about the affair, and both being open about why it happened.
Get to marital counselling together. You both need to speak up. A professional counsellor can help her probe why she was content to be a booty call for this married man. Also, why you two now don’t have sex together.
Together you need to change a dynamic in which she ignores your feelings.
Without both committing to the work needed, you will end up divorcing.
As I get older (late 60s), I'm focusing on what means most to me while letting other things go. My husband of many years means a lot to me.
I'd like to drop one woman friend. The few interests we had in common are becoming less. She’s never married, travels a lot, has more disposable income than we have, and is sometimes intrusive and scornful about how we spend our time.
I've spent my life in an artistic field which has ups and downs, which she doesn't understand or value.
She’s sometimes borrowed her friends' husbands as travel companions, with the wives' approval. I don't think anything sexual went on.
Once, when I had some ongoing health issues and my husband and I were considering cancelling trip plans, she "jokingly" said she’d go in my place.
My husband says he's only friendly with her because she’s my friend. But I’ve always felt she had her nerve to say such a thing, even lightly.
The last time we saw her was almost a year ago. Recently, she said she’s retired and wants us to get together. My heart isn't in it.
I don't feel like giving an account of what we’ve been doing and possibly being disrespected.
How can I ease away? Should I ease away?
Go this once and see whether time has improved your opinion.
If you stay in touch, keep contact mainly between you two. Your husband has no real interest in her company.
She’s alone, and you once were friends. If she disrespects your interests, tell her that’s unacceptable and change the topic. You’ll know then how you feel… and so will she, if you challenge her.
I believe my co-worker’s suffering from depression.
He complains to me daily about being "brain dead," unable to do his job by himself, and asking for repeated help with the same things. This increases my workload significantly.
He also constantly makes heavy, loud sighs, and sounds of annoyance, boredom, and pain.
I’ve suggested that he see his doctor but he hasn’t. I have my own issues (which I keep private).
I fear mentioning this to management, as I don't want to be the whiner.
Say that you can’t always help him, that his noise-making’s disturbing everyone, and that NOT seeing his doctor is making his own difficulties much worse.
Say that the best help you can offer is to insist he makes an appointment soon.
Move away if possible, wear ear plugs, and be “too busy” so you’re not enabling his avoidance of getting the medical help he needs.
Tip of the day:
Marriages can renew only if both parties work at re-building trust and understanding.