I'm 25 and my boyfriend of five years is going on a master’s program exchange to France for a semester next year.

But I’ve learned that an extremely flirtatious single classmate would also be on the same program.

When they met a year ago, she was very flirty with him, and would constantly text/Facebook message him.

She was also flirty in person and my intuition told me she liked him – but she was also always very nice to me.

I've never before been worried or jealous about another female, but this one made me anxious.

My boyfriend apologized that it upset me, assured me that she was harmless, and that she knew how seriously committed we are.

But recently at a party, she was just as flirtatious as before, in front of me, and more so behind my back.

I confronted my boyfriend again, and this time he acknowledged that she's still flirtatious, but he’s tried to be short with her and not give her any ideas.

We both agreed that because of how stressed/anxious it makes me, something needs to be done. We just can't figure out the best way to solve it.

I suggested he explain to her that the flirting’s inappropriate. But he’s extremely modest and is afraid he'll come off as cocky and that she'll deny ever flirting in the first place.

I don't want to create an awkward situation for him, but I really need this to stop.

Should I confront her about it? Is this something that should only be done in person?

Anxious and Stuck

Any remarks from either of you must be made in person. Emails or texts can be used to make either or both of you appear very foolish and blow this personal matter open… something she might like.

Modest or not, he must speak up and say that she’s too flirty with him and he’s committed to you and wants her to stop.

Then, any social media contact from her to him should go unanswered.

Meanwhile, keep up your close and supportive contact with him, and if possible make plans to visit.

My husband and I just bought a cottage for our small family including two young children, and are thrilled about it. But we spent more than we’d planned and are nervous about the upkeep, etc.

However, my two sisters are already giving me their scheduled dates for spending a week there apart and a week together.

Our closest couple in the city has been asking for our summer “plans.”

And my husband’s best friend alerted their guys’ group that they need to schedule a long weekend there without their partners!

We only have three bedrooms at this cottage, and I’m not interested in becoming an unpaid innkeeper!

We planned to eventually invite people (a couple with kids our children’s ages, at the most) for a weekend only.

How do I tell all these others that they have to stop dreaming about using our place?

No Reservations

Keep it light, for now. Laugh off the requests saying, “it’s a small place and we need to get used to it first.”

For those who push further, say that you need a summer there on your own, so you know what you can handle in numbers and expenses.

Then set some initial limits for future guests: e.g. three-night stays only, they’re responsible for one full day’s meals for everyone, bring their own bed linens and towels so you don’t end up with masses of laundry, etc.

 

Over the past 20 years I’ve caught them out together several times, when my husband said they were just meeting for coffee.

Not at a coffee shop. Just out, parked.

Confronted, he says nothing’s going on, though he’s texting and contacting this person 400 times some months.

I don't want to live with this lie the rest of my life. I once might’ve been able to forgive and re-start, but now, I don't see any other option than a divorce.

Your Opinion?

You can’t get truth from a stone wall, which is what he’s presenting you.

He may be having an emotional affair, and think that’s okay, but it’s upset you and divided you for too long.

Present your husband with the legal realities of asset division and financial responsibilities. Tell him the only other choice is to be honest with you in counselling together.

Then decide whether to divorce or try a “re-start.”