I was laid off from my job with severance pay; my wife doesn't work, we have two children. My overall outlook is positive as I have a good network and am already looking into some opportunities
My wife of over 18 years has taken my job loss much harder, having trouble sleeping and constantly depressed. I understand that she feels that she’s also lost the job. But I’m looking for support and encouragement rather then doom and gloom.
She’s looking for work, but complains about how she probably won't like it, or the hours.
We’ve had some past issues over money and my spending some time with the guys, but - other than the lack of intimacy – we’ve worked things out. My issue is that I'm facing this on my own without the support, as a couple, that I’d expect from a marriage. What would you recommend?
- Need Guidance
Priority list: 1) Find new job. 2) Work on sex problem.
As the breadwinner, you need to assure yourself and your wife of future security, but that’s not the only reason for her anxiety. The relationship has become based on mutual role fulfillment, not on the bond of intimacy and trust that couples need to manage hard times.
She’s excessively shaken by this change because the foundation between you two is already shaky. But, like the elephant in the room, you both have worked around it and focused on everything else.
Comfort her. You know you’ve got severance income; and you know you’ll find more work. Once re-settled in a job, make finding an intimacy re-connection into your couples’ project. She needs to be your main confidante, rather than your guy friends.
Try arranging fun “date” nights together; bring cuddling and confidences into your time together in bed; and see a sex therapist if needed.
I’m 43, female, dating an amazing guy for 15 months. On our first date I learned that his live-in girlfriend of seven years had cheated on him. Initially, he talked about her a lot and I said nothing.
Eventually, he’d talk about things they used to do and places they went together. I finally asked him to stop. He did for a while, and then started again. I said I was leaving; he insisted that I was his best friend, lover and the best thing that ever happened to him.
That was two months ago and he hasn't mentioned her once. Recently, on his computer, I found several pictures of her from their years together. I wonder why he’d keep them if he dislikes her so much and their relationship is in fact over.
But I can't say anything because I was looking at his pictures without his permission. I removed all pictures I had of my ex once we broke up. Should I mention this to my boyfriend knowing he’ll be angry?
Your snooping has turned you into the one whose now obsessed with his ex. Many people keep old photos on their computers (consider divorced people who feel they must keep photos of their ex-spouses and wedding albums for their kids). It’s about memory, not cheating.
However, in a still-developing relationship, there’s a time for acknowledging a next stage of commitment. That’s when you can raise discussion of getting rid of mementoes of both your ex-partners.
Choose your time for gentle chat and don’t accuse him or mention computer photos. If his responses are satisfying, drop the topic. And stick to your own computer.
I’m 23 and owe $40,000 to credit cards. I was stubborn, selfish, careless, and overly optimistic concerning job prospects. I didn’t listen to my parent’s warnings. I’m still unemployed.
I need help from my parents, but they’re in “we-told-you-so” mode. They don’t want to help me financially, they want me to learn. I’m trying to move forward but can’t without their help. I feel they’re being unfair. How can I convince them to help me?
- In Trouble
You’re still stubbornly immature and selfish, waiting for rescue. Refusing you is likely the hardest – and wisest – thing your parents have done.
Learn how to get OUT of financial trouble on your own. Take any entry-level job possible to show some earning power. Then, ask a bank financial officer for credit counselling and consolidation of your debts.
There are also non-profit credit counselling agencies in many jurisdictions. Clean up your own mess.
Tip of the day:
Without intimacy, couples’ problems are harder to resolve.