I met a man on a dating site 15 years ago. We were very happy for a year. We had keys to each other's places because I worked days and he worked part-time at night.
Suddenly, he said he couldn't dismiss the thought that I was cheating on him (which I’d never do.) He left me and we didn't talk after that.
One month later, he arrived with a silver watch and a beautiful card for my birthday. He said he still cared, but he couldn’t get past his insecurities. Then, no communication until Christmas, when he brought another beautiful card and very nice gift.
I asked if we could try again. When he said No, I asked him not to come around anymore as it was hard for me.
Lately, I’m remembering all the good times we once had. Should I contact him, hope that we run into each other, or just forget him and move on?
Still Missing Him
Fourteen years of his insecurities winning out over a relationship, is more than a sea of red flags – it’s a “Stop” sign. He’s obviously not dealt with his reasons for fearing commitment, and he hasn’t been moved to even discuss it with you.
His gifts were a half-hearted attempt to apologize, without any effort to renew your connection.
It’s sad for him – possibly the result of past trauma or losses. If so, it’d require his wanting to change and seeking therapy to do so, before he could be counted on in a relationship.
Meanwhile, you must move on in accepting that this is his problem, not one you can take on and “fix” just by getting in contact together again.
My friend has been sexually harassed by a co-worker for about six months. He’s in his 60s, she’s a quiet woman in her 30s. They work together at a big-box retailer.
He’ll touch her arm or back, make personal comments, and get into her space. Recently, he was right at the back of her neck, telling her she has pretty hair.
She’s asked him twice to stop touching her and making personal comments. Otherwise, she ignores his actions, or glares at him. He’s mocked her requests, saying, “Oh, I know you don’t want me to give you compliments,” and also mocked her to her mother.
She knows he’s making personal comments to another co-worker, who confided in her in tears. Neither has found a solution.
What’s a safe way to get him to stop? She feels her employer and supervisor would be no help. I’m worried that his behaviour could escalate.
Harassed at Work
The era of accepting that an employer/supervisor won’t care about harassment of employees is past. She must document this man’s every inappropriate touch and comment, with the date and time, adding what she’s said to get him to stop, to no avail. If possible, she should get the other harassed co-worker to add her own report.
These documents must be taken to the company’s human resources department, along with sending copies to the supervisor and employer.
If her complaint is ignored/dismissed or her job threatened, she can then file a similar report and the company’s response, to a labour relations board in her jurisdiction, e.g. in Ontario, Canada, the Ministry of Labour can order an employer to engage a third party (at the employer’s expense) to oversee investigations of harassment complaints.
In America, the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission investigates such complaints.
A good friend of several years recently gifted my partner with an item and a scented candle. The one item was new. However, upon opening it at home, it was noticed that the candle already had a burned wick and appeared to have been re-packaged.
My partner’s upset. We don't believe this was driven by finances since the gifts are always of lower value.
Should my partner bring it up to the friend, instead of bristling and imagining reasons as to why this happened? If so, what should be said? They’re good friends, after all.
A truly good friend is more valuable than any brand-new candle. Even if lit before, it’s still a gift that’ll glow.
Some people are just more practical than others. The candle was available, so it was put to good use along with the new item.
“Bristling” would be an overreaction. Say nothing, light it and enjoy together.
Tip of the day:
Relationship “Stop” signs are glaring truths: If there’s no connection for years, there’s no future.