I’m losing my mind about which way to turn. My husband and I have a son, 22, whom we both love dearly.
Eight years ago my husband hurt me a lot by talking to other woman on social media and sending rude photos, on six occasions.
I resented him and the sex died down because I couldn’t bring myself to touch him. We’re now stuck where there’s no love or intimacy any more.
I’ve been seeing another man for three years and he makes me feel like the most amazing person ever. We love each other. He gave up his home and wife for me.
I told my husband that I was in love with someone else and I was surprised that he reacted with shock. I said I was leaving him and my son (my son seemed fine and said, “Go and be happy Mom”).
When I got to my lover’s flat, I said I couldn’t do it. I felt so sorry for him because he truly loves/wants me, but I can’t make that move.
This is destroying me and I’ve been so ill through not being able to make my mind up about what’s best for me.
I’m still living with my husband and lying about where I’m always going. I’m unsure whether he thinks I’m still seeing this other guy but he doesn’t discuss anything.
I don’t know which way to turn and it’s not fair on anyone involved.
You can decide, you just don’t want to.
The two scenarios are clear: 1) No intimacy with a man who hurt you through online flirting.
2) You’ve been having a full-on in-person affair and recognize your own guilt.
So, your decision isn’t which is the better man for you, but instead, are you able to be your best self with either man?
It’s unclear whether you ever loved your husband deeply. Instead of trying to discover why he was flirting, you sought solace and sex with someone else.
Now, that isn’t the right answer either.
Stop prolonging the drama. Your big mistake is thinking that a man can solve your whole life. Instead, talk to a therapist for an outside professional view. If that doesn’t help, move out on your own to discover who you really want to be.
FEEDBACK “I read your column regularly and was struck by the “Honeymoon Hassle” letter (Oct 15):
Reader – “From experience, I think that it’s really important to strongly encourage people who are considering getting married, to take a Marriage Prep course (Ellie: Some but not all of these are related to couples’ faith communities).
“Many adults think they don’t need it as they already know about sex and since they’re grownups they can figure things out on their own.
“But the information is so helpful to avoid many future problems.
“Besides teaching you how to communicate well and fight fairly with your soon-to-be spouse, it also provides the time and space to have intentional discussions with each other.
“This is helpful about many proven issues of potential conflict before they arise, rather than being dependant on these issues arising in the midst of casual conversations.
“It’s far less stressful to talk about things before they are a problem, and not wait until they’re emotionally laden.
“I have never regretting taking the classes, but I know many couples who later regretted that they didn’t.”
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman who’s dating “the most amazing man” but still signs herself “Uncertain and Afraid,” (Oct.11):
“I suggest that this woman put her past experience to positive use.
“It’s time to start “real life” discussions between them: e.g., creating a marriage contract, deciding whether to have shared or individual accounts, clarity about who owns the house or creating shared ownership, etc.
“It’ll help her know how sincere he is. If he’s willing to engage in conversations openly and constructively then he’s not likely a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
“If he shows any hesitation or counters discussions, then the veil is off.”
Ellie - Given that over two years they’ve only “talked casually about marriage” - despite that she has two kids - it’s somewhat unusual that she says she’d be unsure how to respond to a marriage proposal.
She needs a lot more information about how she and this man would share their life together.
Tip of the day:
Whenever someone dithers over a major life decision, without any resolution, they either don’t want to answer or prefer to blame someone else.