I’m married with an only daughter. My husband has many good qualities and we love each other very much.
       But he’s a control freak.
      I don't know how much longer I can live with it, though he’ll be devastated if I ever leave.
      Our daughter, 18, has fallen for a nice guy who’s several years older. My husband feels this is unacceptable and won’t permit him in our house. He feels he’s protecting her, that this young man isn’t good enough for his daughter.
      But she’s crazy about him and he treats her very well. He doesn’t drink, do drugs or party. Previously, we’ve managed to work through things, but my husband’s unwilling to budge on his rules. But I don't want my daughter to live a secret life.
      I now realize that he’ll never change. I can't live with it anymore but don’t want to leave him.
      -Torn

Tell him straight up that this matter needs to be discussed as equal parent partners. If he can’t deal with your children’s serious issues over the next years without reasoned debate and compromise, then you’re not interested in staying with him for the inevitable fallout.
      That’ll get him listening.
      Address his belief that he’s being a responsible father: What does he know about the “boyfriend"? Has he met him and talked to him? Has he asked his daughter what she knows about him?
      If there are no obvious negatives, get your husband to list some reasonable boundaries on their dating that he can accept, for example: a curfew, limited frequency on their getting together, having him over enough for the family to get to know him better, etc.
      BUT, if He Who Rules refuses to take any of these steps, consider your own response very carefully, as the future together will be full of tension.

My father-in-law and my own mother both passed away uninsured. My husband and I had to borrow to pay for their funerals.
      We bought his mother a car because hers was a clunker. We pay her insurance, bought her a cell phone, pay the monthly bill. We’ve paid bills that she’s forgotten. If I need her to babysit, I always pay.
      We’re finally getting ahead. He got a promotion, I stay home with our disabled daughter. His mother’s requested $100 weekly for groceries, which we can't afford unless we stop depositing money in our savings account. We’ve refused; she’s bad-mouthing us in this close-knit community.
       We’ve tried kindness, explaining, then avoidance. What should we do about her poisonous tongue?
      She has a small policy on herself with her deceased hubby as beneficiary. Should we take out a burial policy on her?
      -Pressured

Your husband needs to study his mother’s finances and conclude, realistically, whether she can afford a normally-healthy diet. If not, and if his salary provides some money for savings, you should both decide on an amount that can go to her grocery fund.
       It’s not a nice thing for her to be bad-mouthing you; but it’s no nicer for you two to hold back helping IF its possible to spare some money towards her having reasonable nutrition.
       If there are any other siblings, your husband should contact them and ask them to pitch in. As for her small insurance policy, tell her you want her to be comfortable now, but won’t be able to afford much in burial expenses later unless she’s made some provision in her will regarding that policy and her estate.

FEEDBACK  One woman’s personal experience in response to the question about her boyfriend’s parents’ involvement with their son, who’s in university and living at home (April 28, 2010):
      Reader - "I married 'a boy' who must report to his mother what he’s doing, where he’s going, how much money he’s earning, how he’s spending it, etc.
       "He’s 42 and a father. I have many personal moments (like honeymoon, a dinner for a special occasion, couple’s time) ruined by his mother’s stupid phone call and text messages arriving at the most inappropriate time.
       "Being awakened in bed by your loved one’s Mom phoning, or having a romantic dinner with someone who’s speaking on the phone with his mom, is not huge fun, believe me."

Your problem lies with “the boy” who’s not behaving as a man, despite marriage and parenthood; his mother carries on that way because he let's her.