I’ve always been the organized one – both when I was younger, living with my parents and siblings, and now that I have my own family. Everyone always expects me to remember everything. From birthdays to anniversaries, allergies to favourite colours. It comes naturally to me. I do remember everything. But that doesn’t mean I want to be responsible for remembering everything. Does that make sense?
My husband is the worst. He remembers nothing – not even his own mother’s birthday! And then he gets annoyed when I say, “Oh, did you call your mom today?” As though it’s my fault he’s forgotten!
For my parents, I created a paper calendar. It sits alongside their calendar on their shared desk. They check it daily and can see the month-at-a-glance. I’ve also taught them to look at the next month when they’re in the last week of the present month.
But my husband is younger and more tech savvy, so I showed him how to put things in his online calendar, and how to create reminders. I also taught him how to input information that repeats. But he simply ignores his phone and never adds anything new.
I’m sick of it! How can I shed this responsibility?
Self-organized
Being organized is a quality many people wish they had, so be happy you got that gene. Now, be generous, WITHOUT wasting your own time. Create a shared calendar with your husband and input information there. For example, your daughter’s Monday evening soccer practices. Now show your husband how to access it and tell him he’s on deck three weeks from now. Hopefully he won’t let her down.
You need to let go of YOUR feelings of responsibility. If your mom forgets her dentist appointment, that’s not on you. If your husband forgets his dad’s birthday, that’s not on you. You need to let go so they stop leaning on you.
My wife has a habit of making changes to our co-owned home without consulting me and sometimes in direct opposition to my wishes. These changes typically involve decisions made with members of her family and are sometimes completed while I’m out of town. At the same time, my own ideas for home improvement are routinely dismissed, yet sometimes the same ideas are received positively if they later arise from a member of her family.
She says it's just easier to do things with her family because they see things similarly, which makes me feel like an obstacle to be circumvented rather than an equal member of a domestic partnership. I also resent the open joke that this is just what they do and that we (in-law spouses) just need to get over it in the name of marital harmony.
We have lots of other issues to work on in our relationship so how do I let go of my lingering displeasure over these changes, so it doesn’t become another wedge in our relationship?
No More Change
I don’t think you need to be the butt of anyone’s joke, nor do you need to “get over” something that’s important to you. Make a list of everything you’d like to change. Ask your wife to do the same. Then compare notes. Not on HOW to change, just on WHAT. Say, for example, there are 10 things on both your lists, but only five match. Discuss your ideas for those five items and hear her ideas. Then compromise. On the items she would like to change, hear her out – but ONLY if she’s willing to hear you out on the items you’d like to change.
Work TOGETHER. And, if you can’t agree, leave it as is and revisit in six months. But she needs to stop making changes without your consent.
FEEDBACK Regarding the teenage daughter “changing” (Jan. 13):
Reader – “I was reading the letter from the dad who felt there was something wrong with his daughter, to whom both parents were very attached and engaged. The age of the girl wasn’t mentioned, but I wonder whether she has entered a new growth stage and is therefore ‘different.’
“Perhaps, as she is getting older, all the parental involvement and attention is not as welcome as it once was. The parents may need to consider that there is an emotional/ intellectual growth spurt happening and this will change the dynamic between parents and child. It's always tough to let go; it's one of the hardest tasks of parenting.”
Lisi – I understood the daughter to be younger, and felt it was more of a mental health issue. But you could be right, and she could simply be a teenager going through normal adolescence.”