The baby I surrendered for adoption 43 years ago found me when she was 19. I love her dearly and she recently said she loves me "deeply." But she periodically shuts me out of her life.     
      Her adoptive mother felt betrayed. During seven years without contact, she married, divorced and re-connected with me when she was pregnant by another man, whom she later left. She’s currently in a stable relationship of 10 years and her daughter’s 14.      
      I babysat full-time for years (unpaid), did the housework, laundry, shopping. I felt used but I was with my grandbaby. When school started my daughter started to treat me terribly – wanting help with errands but hardly speaking to me.    
      I didn't hear from her or see my granddaughter for years. Finally I called, she visited right away and at Christmas, but she was cold and distant, my granddaughter was loving. I'm afraid to call because my daughter’s so indifferent; I’d love to stop all contact, but for my grandchild.      
      My daughter's parents are both alive and well. It must be difficult to keep two sides going. My daughter doesn't mention me as it makes her mom very unhappy. She’s particularly close to her adoptive Dad.  
      - Confused

This calls for the biblical wisdom of King Solomon, and I believe that by instinct you know what your daughter needs – space and no pressure to handle her conflicted feelings of love for two very different “sides” of her heritage, plus the guilt she feels from her adoptive parents.
      Demonstrate your love and compassion. Call her and tell her that you understand her discomfort, that you’re happy to have a relationship when possible, and that you don’t want to lose touch with your granddaughter.    
      Send birthday cards, Valentine’s Day messages, etc., to maintain a link. Do NOT keep asking for visits, she knows where you are.     
      Sure, she used you at one point, but remember her own natural hurt/anger about being given up. Also, her relationship disappointments may’ve compounded resentment of the past.     
      But, she made the effort to find you. Be patient, and you’ll see each other again.

Initially, with my boyfriend of nine months, there was instant attraction, great communication, lots of laughter. We soon started talking about our future.       
      Then, he left his job and moved in with me temporarily – without financial means - until he could get on his feet. We took a break because of the stress on me; he moved to his parents.     
      Then he returned and found a job, but he’s on commission and unlikely to earn for four months. He’s agreed he should rent his own place, but makes little effort.    
      We’re bickering and fighting more than ever. I’m feeling frustrated and taken advantage of and I'm carrying the financial load for both of us. We’ve pulled away from each other physically and emotionally.    
      I’m 40, never married and was content dating men rather than settling. Is this the way it’s supposed to be with your life partner?
      - Resentful

No, this isn’t “partnering.” When there’s mutual love and commitment for a future together, one person’s financial troubles are difficult, but not necessarily deal breaking. Decide if you loved him for the good times only, and spoke of a future too soon.
      Also, you need to assess whether “taking advantage” of a situation is his fallback mode, or a temporary setback. If it’s the latter, then it’s you who’s not ready to share the load of a long-term relationship.

FEEDBACK A January 9 question from a young man concerned about the cost of an engagement ring, prompted many responses. Here’s one:    
      Reader – “At the time when a proposal and wedding seemed perfect, we were both unemployed. What did we do? A romantic day exploring romantic spots, interrupted by romantic smooching, capped by a $5 silver band bought at a street stall.    
      “I wear it still, 10 years later, next to my simple wedding band.      
      “The grad student should buy a ring and propose in a beautiful scenario that matches their own unique relationship style.       
      “No one says it has to be a diamond solitaire. There are beautiful stones out there. The trick is to find a ring that suits her style.       
      “He should scope out the jewelry she already wears, ask her girlfriends and visit a couple of independent jewelers to find something really special. Then spend what’s comfortable.”