I’d love to start a family along with my partner of two and a half years.
However, two years ago I was diagnosed with a chronic invisible illness, though I’m currently in remission. Yet some days I cannot function well.
My specialist said that this illness could return if I get pregnant or ill.
My partner’s afraid of this happening during pregnancy.
How can I prepare for the worst if this occurs? How do I help my partner understand that I’m ready for this, through better or its worst?
Both of you must be committed to not only the pregnancy but also the care of a baby and raising of a child. So both of you must learn further from the specialist about the usual effects of this illness during pregnancy, plus any lasting effects.
Then, do further research – a second opinion, plus what obstetricians have noted during pregnancy, what drugs are prescribed, and their effect on a fetus.
Find a support group for people with this illness, especially parents who have it.
Consider what kind of help you two may need – financially, if you can’t work and he must do a lot of child care, or whether you have family help and/or funds to hire a nanny.
There IS always hope that further medical advances will alleviate some of the current issues.
It’s courageous of you to want to proceed. But it’d be unfair to you both without fuller knowledge.
I’m female, 22, in my last year of college and haven’t found a relationship. I think my parents are worried.
Sometimes I’m worried. My parents think that I may be mean. I admit that I can be a little harsh sometimes. But every guy I meet seems wrong for me.
I’ve known one guy for nine years. We talked once or twice in the past, but always stopped talking for months over petty things, then re-connected.
We’re extremely comfortable with one another. His parents love me, I feel like part of the family.
Yet I sometimes feel I can't trust him, and that I’ve lost feelings for him.
Whenever I talk to someone else, I compare the new guy to him. I can be a little on the rude side with him, but he never holds it against me. He accepts me.
He’ll still call me every morning and night like nothing happened. He’s a very sweet guy.
Should I just accept that we’ll always be like this with one another and make it work? Or do I like all of his qualities, just not in him?
We live an hour apart. I think if we were closer it wouldn’t be a problem.
Confused Mean Girl
Anyone who admits to being “a little mean” or rude, usually is more so.
It seems that you (and perhaps your parents) put too much pressure on your having to be in a relationship at age 22.
Otherwise, you’d all realize that talking is only just the beginning of getting to know each other.
You need to spend a lot more time together – an hour is hardly a long-distance problem.
Take a bus, drive there, or have him visit you for a weekend. You don’t have to have sex but you sure have to go for walks, be with each other’s friends, have unhurried, intimate conversations… in other words, start seeing what a relationship feels like.
Meanwhile, control your rudeness. It doesn’t help any part of having a decent connection with anyone.
FEEDBACK Regarding whether a caregiver for her partner should also accept caring for the woman’s mother (Dec. 17):
Reader – “I’m a young caregiver at 38. Eight years ago, when my husband and I moved back into my mom's home to help save money for a house, we never expected it to be a lifetime stay.
My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and asked me to stay in the house to help care for my grandparents.
Today, my mom’s still alive, bedridden, add our two children, ages six and two, and my grandma, 85, who’s showing signs of Alzheimer’s. I gave up my job a year ago to care for everyone!
Financially, it's tough. The house thankfully is paid for. My mother gets a small disability and grandma has a nice pension since grandpa passed.
I've sacrificed my life for them, as they once did for me.
I’m not saying this is for everyone, but she could try.
Tip of the day:
A potentially risky pregnancy calls for informed commitment from both parents.