Dear Readers - On April 30, a daughter wrote of feeling awkward when visiting her mother who has dementia, in a nursing home. She questioned whether the visits had any value. Here are the truly valuable responses you sent:

Reader #1- “My mom passed recently. In the last few years she didn't speak anymore, but she could hear and the staff appreciated visitors.

“I’d take her for a walk down the hall and talk to her about pictures, or go to a window and describe what I saw outside. I took her to the chapel and said a prayer with her because she was very religious. When you don't know what people remember, try different things.

“Sometimes she’d grab my hand and bring it to her face, or kiss me when I went to hug her. Most important was telling her about her kids and grandkids, even though it’s a one-way conversation.”

Reader #2 – “My mother was in a long-term care facility for over ten years. A few tips: Become close and helpful to the staff. They have a tough job. I brought in treats for all, helped clear tables in the dining room if I was there at mealtime, and tidied mom's room. I read the paper to Mom. When she was no longer interested, I sat and talked. When it felt awkward, I’d knit. I felt more comfortable doing something. Don't expect your mom to respond, just be there.
“When mom became unable to feed herself, I went twice a day to feed her. I’d often bring in takeout and we’d eat in her room together.
“Don't let anyone tell you that your visits don't matter and that she won't know you were there. You will know!”

Reader #3 – “Things to make visiting easier for everyone:

1. Take along past pictures. My husband takes his iPad with pictures from his parents’ old photo albums on them and they scroll through them together.

2. Decorate the nursing-home room for whatever reason (Christmas? Birthday?) and change it often. I’d tell Mom about the changes and the staff said they enjoyed seeing them, too.

3. Ask staff what times are the best for them. They appreciate visitors, as it provides stimulation and supervision for the resident. Express appreciation for the care they provide. We also took in fruit trays for the staff break-room (remember, there are three shifts).

4. Put a bulletin board and push pins in the room and encourage relatives to send bright cards. Look at the cards together when you visit.

5. Sometimes Mom and I just watched TV together, and I sat beside her so I could rub her back, hold her hand, or hug her.

6. A manicure and hand massage pass the time and then staff don’t have to worry about cutting nails.”

Reader #4 – “Ellie, your advice about the importance of family visits was bang-on.

“Dementia patients will go in and out of knowing their relatives, but no matter. Frequently, my husband doesn’t recognize our son, yet recently, there were definite signs of recognition and he couldn't keep his eyes off him. (He no longer has any language).

“Also, it’s SO important to help the caregiving staff understand who the person was. This is vital to establishing a personal connection. I made a "life book" for my husband, with pictures and stories of significant events in our lives, left in his room for staff to look at if they have a free moment.”

Reader #5 – “My dad was in a nursing home for five years due to dementia. I visited every week. Even though he didn’t know me, his eyes would light up when I walked into the room. He just knew I was there for him.

“I once asked his doctor if he had any idea who I was. The doctor told me that Dad knew me by smell and touch. I’d always go around lunchtime and feed him. That helped the nursing staff, who always appreciated the assistance.

“Even if the person’s mom can’t speak anymore, just talking to her and holding her hand is a great comfort. As for the staff, ask them what you can do. They can always use the help. They have my sympathy as it is a long, hard road to travel and I do hope that they also have a good support system, in their jobs, and personally, too.”