Throughout our 13-year marriage I was verbally abusive, and I wasn't there for my wife emotionally.

We have two children.

Two years ago she asked for a divorce, though I thought things were okay between us.

I sought counselling for myself, but discovered she'd become friends with a train conductor, and lied to him about our situation.

When he didn't want anything to do with her anymore, she came back to me.

Recently, she again asked for a divorce because we still argue.

I'm back in counselling, and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I'm on medication, doing everything I can to keep my family together but she said it's too late, she has no feelings for me and wants out.

Through therapy I learned a lot about myself and her. I really love her and want to be with her.

Reluctantly I agreed to a divorce, but now I found out the same guy is back in the picture - they've been having lunch together. She says they're just friends.

Should I give up and leave it alone?

- Alone and Confused

A marriage is always worth fighting for, but it’s your wife you have to catch up to, not the train conductor.

The marital problems are about your past behaviour, how long it took for you to acknowledge this, and whether you can really change.

While this guy’s presence in her life is upsetting, you need to focus on showing her how much you care for her, and want to re-connect. Ask her to give six months to trying to see if you can work things out. Offer to go to couples’ counselling together, on the understanding that, if she still wants a divorce at the end of that time, you’ll use the joint sessions to work out an amicable split.

You’ll need the professional help to decide how to raise the children as separated parents, without carrying on the old pattern of constant fighting.

I’m part of a large family with elderly parents; the siblings generally get along but whenever an issue arises, two of them act in concert.

In a recent email discussion, it emerged that they were likely to override others’ wishes as if they were in the majority - but were NOT.

I worry about the future and how to deal with such behaviour. They have their own way of doing things and tend to leave the rest of us (we’re more independent personalities) out of the loop where possible, claiming that they didn't think we needed to know things.

Any strategies for handling this?

- Left Out

Get everyone more involved.

Whenever possible, hear these two out so they feel respected by the others… and giving them less need to be contrary. Be clear that no splinter groups will gain control, and stay on top of serious matters. For example, consider your parents’ care needs, and their wills.

It’s imperative that Mom and Dad be encouraged to make decisions ahead, and they’ll need legal advice to do so. If they can’t handle it alone, call a meeting of ALL the siblings and get a true majority decision on which lawyer to hire (unrelated to any of you or your spouses) and make sure there’s no extra influence from this duo.

If needed, power of attorney should involve all the siblings as equal partners; or, if only one person is allowed by law, given to whomever the parents’ choose or have regularly relied on.

My boyfriend is solid, stable, and good-hearted. Though he doesn’t contact his ex-girlfriend (together five years, apart as long), when she asks, he’ll see her for lunch, or a visit at our house (a few times annually).

My therapist says I should draw strong boundaries that make ME comfortable. I’m not sure I should insist that he say no instead.

We’re middle-aged and both believe in having (non-threatening) friends of both sexes.

- Should I Trust?

See her with him.

For him, being polite and “good-hearted” is still maintained if he brings you along.

For you, there’s less to mistrust or worry about, since you’ll prevent any atmosphere of confidential chat she may want to achieve.

For the ex-girlfriend, you’ll both be making the point that you’re the couple and she’s an old friend.

You may even get to like her… though I doubt the contact will continue for much longer.