My boyfriend of four years and I live together, have mutual goals, love each other, and treat each other with respect. We're planning on getting engaged soon.

We fight occasionally, once every two or three months. After we're done fuming, we talk it out. And everything's fine. No major issues.
However, in the heat of the moment, I get so mad that I question if I want to be with him long-term. I ask myself, "Can I really do this for the rest of my life?”

I know couples bicker and argue regularly, and I've never truly considered leaving him. I only begin questioning once I'm REALLY mad at him.

The anger only lasts about 20 minutes, and then I'm completely fine – embarrassed that I’d consider leaving a man who treats me so wonderfully. I've never told anyone else about my mid-anger feelings.
Are these feelings normal? Are they just my way of handling frustration? Is there any way to change my mid-fight mindset?

Irate in Indiana

It’s wise to confront concerns about your own level of anger, as well as about whether your fights are manageable over the long-term.

You haven’t mentioned how you express such strong anger, but you could benefit from talking openly to a therapist to explore what your reaction is all about.

Perhaps you witnessed this model of fury in your childhood, when close people argued. Or, there are other reasons why you need to learn anger management techniques. 

These can help with any situations of great frustration.

As for the relationship, make sure the fights don’t stem from some power struggle or because one of you is controlling, or a perfectionist, which could be triggering your frustration.

In that case, you need couples’ counselling and willingness on both sides to change the pattern.

My two sisters and one brother are very close. My sisters are married and both have two sons. Their husbands are great people; we all enjoy getting together and always have major holiday dinners together.

My brother’s dating a divorcee with two children and her mother who lives with her. His girlfriend’s nice enough and makes my brother happy, but she’s not someone I’d spend a lot of time with. We have little in common.
Her mother’s foreign and doesn’t speak any English. Her children are teens and appear not to want to be here. Their father’s alive and lives locally.

My generous brother always invites her whole family to every family get-together. It’s very convenient for his girlfriend to never have to prepare a holiday meal for her kids AND the father never seems to have them for any holiday.
It’d be great not to have them all every time. How do I say this to my brother who I don’t want to offend or make him feel bad?

Crowded Events

If you try to exclude the girlfriend’s family, you will offend your brother, and he’ll distance from you.

This woman may become your sister-in-law. Try to find some common ground, even if it’s only a mutual desire to please your brother.

As you get to know her, you could ask her and her mother to bring some of their traditional or favourite dishes to the holiday gathering.

Her teens – already dealing with divorce and a new man on the scene – could benefit from some compassion on your part. Encourage the four other kids present to include them.

You’d be helping your family to stay connected if you could rise above your judgments and reflect your brother’s generosity.

FEEDBACK Regarding the writer’s doubts about accompanying her boyfriend on an Asian trip where he’d be the focus of attention (Dec. 14):

Reader – “Many people within relationships go through periods of insecurity and competitiveness.

“Sometimes there’s a power imbalance because one partner has a more interesting career, or makes more money.

“The writer's idea of going on a separate trip during the partner's absence has worked for me.”

Ellie – Fine, if it works for you. The writer in this case was uncertain; the trip was short-term, under one month. She said, “I'll be left feeling unnoticed and unaccomplished,” but added she felt sad because, “I’d love to travel and experience new things with him. We’re very close and I don't want to hurt him or our relationship.”

I’d still advise her at this time: “He wants to share this honour with you, as his loving partner. Think this over again.”