My fiancée seems to always be unhappy.

Over the past year, I've given her an engagement ring, bought a house so our kids and we can live together, and bought her a car.

I fully support our family financially. She said these things would make her happy, yet the happiness doesn't last long.

I'm not the perfect boyfriend, or the world's greatest father, but feel I've done enough to have a loving partner, at least half of the time.

I love my girlfriend and my kids, but I’m not sure what more I can do. I'm always giving and not getting as much in return.

It’s now holding me back from being the person I want to be, because my feeling is that whatever I give her won't be good enough.

Sincerely Frustrated!!!

She sounds a taker, and you a giver. It’s a set-up that’s been going on too long.

Financially, you’re a hero – the provider and gift-bearer. She only need ask, and her immediate desires are fulfilled.

However, you mention no other aspect of the relationship. Is she loving, sexually responsive, fun company, good with your children?

And where are you in the family picture, when not working? “Not the perfect boyfriend or the world’s greatest father,” you say.

If you want change, it seems you’re going to have to be part of it. Always working to provide material goods is not buying you the happiness you seek.

Tell her you want to look at priorities together, instead of the bank account. You’ll likely need counselling to guide you through a probe of mutual values as well as the relationship.

As an older brother (30s), I always tried to help, and be a good example to my younger siblings. I have a decent job, work hard, have been independent since age 26, and am currently engaged.

My sister, now 26, graduated from a good university four years ago in a good field. She was always the straight “A” student, very involved in extra-curricular activities.

When she graduated, she took a year off to relax from her extensive schooling. She also had a lot of employment opportunities knocking on her door.

Now, she can't find any work, her friends are moving on in life, and she’s sunk into a major depression. She’s gained weight and doesn't bother looking good anymore.

All my family has connections for her to work, but nothing in her field, so she refuses to apply. But beggars can't be choosers.

My parents pleaded with her for two years to see a therapist and she finally accepted five months ago. After a couple of sessions, she refused to return.

Her skills are becoming stale, I asked my parents to kick her out of their house, but they refuse.

Concerned Brother

You can’t push a person out of a deep depression. She needs your care and concern, and it starts with her health.

She must see a doctor, to learn if there’s any physical cause for her depression, weight gain, inertia.

And she needs a therapist with whom she’s comfortable. Not just any approach “fits” a person who’s lost all confidence and hides in despair.

Help her do the research – through recommendation, Google local professional counselling associations, call therapists, and ask questions about short- or long-term therapy, their approach, etc.

Career counselling can direct her to a work area that uses the skills and education she already has. Go with her initially, for support.

She needs a health check and encouragement, not pressure.

FEEDBACK Regarding the Controlling Boyfriend (January 9):

Reader – “This is to back up your recommendation to run from him. I ended up married to one of those, and then used the dog as an excuse to not leave, then had kids and tried to stay, until the emotional abuse wrecked my health.

“He had an affair and couldn't understand why I was upset, threatened to disappear on me and the kids if I disagreed, I lost weight and it made no difference.

“I was extremely lonely until I went to counselling and very quickly looked 10 years younger. I also found out how much my family and friends had put up with him for my and the kids sake.

“To that girlfriend: If he’s that bad now, it’ll be much worse if you marry him. You wrote Ellie because you were hearing alarm bells.... Listen to them, always.”

Been There