My wife of 20 years and I have three teenagers and a happy home overall. Though we were once very intimate, my wife became increasingly aggressive and hostile; she’ll argue over minutia. There’s no physical violence but anger management’s always an issue.
In 20 years, she’s initiated sex maybe five times. She doesn’t work, but falls asleep within minutes in front of the television. I'm not ugly or overweight, I pitch in and am a good dad.
I used to dote on her, buying her things and taking trips together, but I’ve lost that loving feeling. Is it me, or is there a medical problem, maybe? Maybe time for a divorce lawyer ....
- Frustrated Husband
Ask your wife these same questions and insist that without answers – and some mutual planning to improve the situation – you WILL be taking charge of your own life.
But that doesn’t mean a rush to divorce … three teenagers deserve their parents’ every effort to try to resolve this standoff. What you describe doesn’t constitute a “happy home” and trust me, they feel the negativity.
Your wife needs encouragement for a medical check-up regarding her disinterest in intimacy and her anger (they may even be medically or physiologically related).
Then you both need couples’ counselling to try to re-ignite what brought you together and previously maintained intimacy and love. It may be time for lifestyle changes – such as her pursuing courses, or entering the work force, to end her lethargy.
(By the way, a mother of three teens does “work”… it’s just not for everyone the kind that contributes to self-worth).
I'm mid-20s, living with my serious boyfriend of four years. I recently travelled with a girlfriend for a weekend, and met a guy. We clicked instantly and email several times weekly. He’s single and knows I have a boyfriend.
I'd really like to develop a friendship (and more), but I don't know how to go about it. Am I crazy? I love my boyfriend but I can't stop thinking about the new guy. I feel like chance encounters like this are rare.
- Unsure
You’re already developing a friendship - and I’m guessing you’re already hinting at “more.” You’re not crazy, but you ARE being careless about your so-called “love” for your boyfriend.
Moreover, many a single guy gets a kick out of having an “attached” female come on to him, but it doesn’t mean he’s ready to be a long-term replacement.
If you use this crush (you hardly know the guy) to spark your desire for more romance with your boyfriend, it’s a bonus from the weekend. If you go after more, it’s a big risk of leaving you single and alone.
While in high school, my first relationship (two years) forced me to lose one of my best friends – a guy - because my then-boyfriend didn’t like me having male friends.
I’m now in an 18-month relationship; although my current boyfriend has never expressed a problem with me having male friends, I’m wary to visit my old best friend, fearing it could tamper this relationship.
Is it reasonable of me to want to visit him, even though I’m in a relationship?
- Missing Pal
Your partner should know about and meet your closest friends of both sexes. Explain why you didn’t handle this before, and then arrange for the guys to meet.
Your old pal might be less receptive, since you previously dropped him because of a jealous jerk. Apologize. If there’s no blurring between “romance” and “friendship,” you have a right to male friends.
I work for a non-profit organization with three co-workers who are tight friends; I’m left out when they ignore company rules for distributing shifts. I need the work, too.
I’ve talked to them about this unfairness, to no avail. After two years, I filed a complaint that it’s against union rules.
I’m looking for another job because of their dishonesty - their time sheets reflect inaccurate hours. They expect to get paid for time not in the workplace due to other jobs.
I haven’t wanted to further alienate myself, but should I report them or wait until a supervisor catches on?
- Upset
File a detailed report to your supervisor, human resources and the union. The “unfairness” extends beyond you, to other workers, and whoever’s funding this non-profit group.
If you fear serious repercussions, ask to be transferred to another position within the company, or wait until you’ve secured another job.
Tip of the day:
When children are involved, divorce is the last marital “fix,” not the first.