Five years ago, I met a wonderful woman with adult children. Two of the kids are nicely finding their way in the world. The other son dropped out of high school, married early but has been very successful financially. He's also a bully and a drunk.

I cringe each time he berates or belittles his family or wife. My partner says let them fight their own battles - don't interfere. But I feel, as the so-called Step-Dad, that I should talk to him about his behaviour. Is it time to approach him?

A Stand

When you become a "Step-Dad" to an adult, the responsibilities are little different than when dealing with other adults who matter to you and your family.

You do NOT have to accept brutish behaviour to you or others, or permit it unchallenged in your home and/or presence.

However, you have no authority over this guy, other than to create some distance. His mother, though, clearly feels more forgiving. I suggest you both attend an Al-Anon/Alateen meeting, to learn what strategies are helpful when an alcoholic in the family creates havoc and hurt.

Others in the family may want to join you, and form a consistent reaction that may eventually lead to this man examining his addiction and the behaviour it causes.

My boyfriend of 18 months and I recently purchased a condo, to start our life together. I'm 22, and 11 years younger than him. He leads an extravagant life that I cannot afford.

He's my Prince Charming but our incomes are on completely different pages. I'm living paycheck to paycheck and covering half of the mortgage with no money left for savings or independence. He's covering the other half of the mortgage plus all the necessities, but it doesn't affect his spending habits or lifestyle.

When I'm unable to help with the little things he gets upset and stressed. I do all of the cleaning, laundry and cooking. I'm also seeking a higher paying job. I can't help but feel inadequate with his lifestyle.

Am I being selfish by thinking that I should be able to save and not put everything into his mortgage?

Nothing Left

"His" mortgage? If the condo is solely owned by him, and if you sign any agreement that makes it legally so, there's no question you shouldn't be paying a full half of the mortgage.

BUT, you are starting a life together and need to learn how to discuss both sharing comfortably, and making allowances for unequal incomes. One method that can work is to come up with a fractional division of the costs, example: if his income is three times as much as yours, he pays three times more than you do towards the mortgage.

These early conversations about pooling money and expenses are often difficult for both parties - i.e., the one who's worked hard to accumulate money, and the one who's struggling to get to that point. So take this discussion to a professional - the financial consultant at a bank, or an accountant - and make sure you both come away satisfied with the plan. If you can't get to that point, you're not ready to live together.

How do you define a PLAYER?

Two types of "players" come up in this column: 1) A serial cheater who's careless about her/his prime relationship. 2) Someone who develops sexual relationships with many - with no intention of commitment - yet offers little or no upfront warning to expect no loyalty or ties.

What's an appropriate amount to spend on a wedding gift? When our girls were married we planned a wedding reception we could afford. We didn't book the most expensive club and then expect our guests to pay for their dinner with a lavish gift.

Since when is it acceptable to invite friends and relatives to a party and expect them to pay for it? Plan a wedding you can afford and accept any gift graciously. Am I being unreasonable?

Wondering

You're not unreasonable, but you do come across as angry. No one is forced to spend what he or she can't afford.

While I'm sometimes asked what are the current conventions regarding wedding presents, my answers reflect only guidelines. And I always say that affordability is the first so-called "rule."

The bride and groom or their family knows most of the wedding guests. So it's no surprise if someone is of modest means.