I’m late 20s, living with a man for 18 months, and talking about marriage and children. He has a child, 8, who is with us four days weekly and with his mother the other days. 

He’s a good child, does well in school, listens well, gives attitude, but once my partner comments he changes the attitude.

While I’m outgoing and affectionate, the child is more reserved and doesn’t tend to show affection or emotion/excitement. I haven’t wanted to be overbearing but I don’t feel a connection with the child. We don’t argue, but some days he just prefers to not acknowledge me and I don’t push.

With my nieces and nephews, I’m doting, loving and attentive, but with this child there’s nothing.

My partner’s worried that his child feels unwanted by me… truthfully I don’t miss him when he isn’t around.

My suggestions for outings together are rejected, and I’m tired of feigning interest in his video games.

I don’t know how to create a better relationship with the child. Does it mean I won’t be a good mother to my own kids?

- Step-Mom Woes

Read his signals: He has a mother, and he’s still very connected to her. What he needs from you is acceptance, warmth, and understanding. 

You’re unwittingly blocking a connection: 1) You refer to him with distance, as “the child” – not your partner’s son, or the boy, etc.

2) You worry more about your feelings than his. Just “be” with him sometimes, without your seeking his show of appreciation.

Your nieces and nephews knew you from birth; this young boy has met you fairly recently, after he’s experienced his parents split-up. You need to earn his trust.

By developing compassion and real caring for him, you’ll be building great parent skills for the children you may have in the future.

I’m 21, male, half way through my education. My girlfriend of 15 months, 24, finished school. We’re in an exclusive, honest, loving relationship. 

She was in Singapore visiting her parents and was supposed to return for New Years’ Eve together. But she stayed there to go clubbing, out with friends her age, etc. She doesn’t have the same social life here as she enjoys there.

Should I show I was disappointed or let it go?

Also, she’s frequently said that she wouldn’t live here if we weren’t dating and would probably move back home.

Should I tell her to consider moving where she can be in a better situation of family and friends, or should I let things play out?

I want her to be happy but don’t want things to end this way. I’m not ready to settle down (i.e. move in together) yet.

- Hesitant in Vancouver

You’re expressing concerns about your girlfriend’s needs, but I hear silent worry about your own. 

You’re “NOT READY” for a long-term commitment; you love her and want exclusivity that’s for now… or as long as it works. It means you have no hold on her decisions about how long she visits elsewhere or where she eventually moves; it’s a decision she has to make, based on what’s best for her. Tell her so.

Though you love her, you must focus on finishing your education so you can plan a future that will eventually allow for long-time plans. These may include her eventually, but it’s not up to you to either hold her back from deciding her own future, nor to push her away.

I’m 14, and last February through March I was depressed, because of my mom’s nagging. With depression came anger, so I hurt her physically when frustrated. Now, I’m over my depression. 

My problem was I let no one in, though I tried to, but no one believed me. I kept a diary of my depression. I still have moments when what I say doesn’t get through their heads, and the depression sucks me in.

I don’t know how to tell my parents, and if they’ll believe me.

- Anonymous

Tell your parents you still get overwhelmed by depression and you want help to overcome this. They’ll want to help you, but they’re not professionally trained, so you all need to agree that you need a therapist who specializes in teenage depression. 

Take your diary along to your appointment and be open and honest about when the depression strikes. You CAN be helped.