My husband of 33 years has always been controlling and verbally abusive. We're both 57. A divorced woman is his assistant since 2003. He and another fellow always had coffee and lunch together with her.

Two years ago, I learned he's had drinks and coffee after work with just her. After lying, he admitted it. He's continued several times.

We went for counselling, but the counsellor refused to see him again and spent a year encouraging me to get enough self-esteem to leave him. My family, friends, doctor, and lawyer all agree with her.

He's trying to be nice but I know she still sits beside him and I'm sure they have coffee every day.

He says he won't risk our marriage. He once said, in anger, that I'm "not a good listener" so that's why he talks to her.

I re-live the lies and verbal abuse in my mind
every day. Should I forgive him and put it in the past?

My family's shocked at the verbal abuse I've put up with. I don't know how to get self-esteem, and I'm afraid to be alone.

He's trying to stop the controlling and verbal abuse and insists nothing's going on with her, but I can't believe it. Is going out for drinks cheating, or is just the lying about it bad enough?

So Confused

Years of verbal abuse destroys self-esteem, making it hard to imagine life on your own. Yet you have a great support network, and you're fed up with his past behaviour (and possible "emotional cheating" since it doesn't sound like a sexual affair).

Stay with the counselling. It's not just about whether to leave or stay, it's about what you want for the years ahead. You should only stay if you have the strength to reject any form of control or abuse, and set new standards for your relationship.

And if you make that decision to stay, he'd have to go to couples counselling with you, because he, too, must understand how to change.

I just had my first baby and loved the birthing experience so much that I wish I could go back in time and re-experience it. It's interfering with my day because all I think about is the birth and how I want to do it again.

My doctor says that I have baby blues, but I feel I'm addicted to giving birth, wanting to get pregnant again after only two months, just so I can re-experience it. Why can't I move on and stop wishing to be back in labour again? I try to distract myself with my baby, but that just makes me think about it more. I'm on the waiting list for counselling but they said it could be a long wait.

Troubled

Get back to your doctor and ask for immediate referral to a psychiatrist or therapist experienced with women suffering post-partum depression.

You've been diagnosed, and it's wrong to be left without help for this condition (which is fairly common, but can become severe), when you have the responsibilities of caring for a baby.

At the very least, while seeking treatment, you need someone at home helping you. If you don't have a willing and capable relative, research whatever community resources exist for someone to come in and assist you with some of your baby care, daily.

And, if there's a wait there too, have the doctor explain to your husband the need to hire a part-time caregiver to help you with the baby.

FEEDBACK Regarding parents' wills when adult children have very different finances (March 23):

Reader #1 - "When there's large disparity in the financial situation of two adult children, I'd discuss the decisions with the wealthy one, asking what he'd like to see done. Hopefully, he'd suggest leaving more to the child most in need.

"However, it's essential that this not be a surprise discovered only after death."

Reader #2 - "Having lived through a similar situation, I know that resentment comes much earlier than at parents' death. Parents should speak earlier with each child individually, heart to heart, about why they're choosing a particular path.

"When I finally had this talk with my parents years later, they dictated they'd never worried about me because I "always seemed to bounce back" from life's challenges.

"I'd wondered why they'd rush to my sibling's side during a setback, but never to mine. It led to significant resentment."