I've been friends, and privately crushed, on this guy for four years.
He started showing interest so I followed, but he went back to his ex. We acted like nothing had happened.
I dated someone and when we broke up my friend helped me stop crying. He expressed having feelings for me, so I told him of mine.
But I said nothing would happen between us because he was back with his girlfriend. Later, he kissed me and I let him, because I’d waited so long for it.
His response was, “Let’s see what happens now, only time will tell.” To me, that’s just player talk.
Five months later, he's still with her. He calls regularly. I don’t always answer.
We talk and see each other only once or twice a month. I plan to do nothing but by night’s end, I'm all mushy again and let him have a kiss.
I'm starting to feel like I’m a side chick he gets no play (sex) with.
I found out he actually liked me before this but our friends told him I'm a good girl, and he's the bad boy. They didn't want him to break my heart.
I'm ready to give up on this friendship and delusional relationship.
Whether you call yourself “side chick,” or “backup woman,” it doesn’t change reality: You’re not his first choice, but he’s keeping you in the line-up.
You already know him to be a bad boy and doubt his “player talk.”
End contact. By getting mushy, you allow yourself to slip closer to becoming a friend with “benefits.”
When he can no longer depend on your waiting for him, he might recognize how special you are.
Or, you might realize it even sooner, and move on.
Six months ago, I was downsized from my job of 10 years at age 60. I wasn't planning to retire, but am facing the age barrier to finding work.
I’m very educated (master’s degree) and hold jobs for a very long time, only taking two short maternity leaves. And I’ve been learning new technology for years.
Don't employers realize the benefits of hiring mature workers? Besides also having experience, we don’t take yearlong maternity leaves, miss work due to sick kids, use work time on social media, or leave after two years due to boredom.
Should I just give up and retire gracefully, albeit not willingly? I have a limit to the rejection I can take.
“Giving up” is not retiring gracefully. It’s about resentment and rejection, when this is a time for creativity and re-engagement.
Your years of experience and skills still have a place in society, just as fresh entrants to the workplace and women entitled to maternity benefits, also have their place.
But finding your next phase of contribution is largely up to you, although you might find an employment counsellor helpful for thinking out of the box.
Example: Countless 60-year-olds and older people have started home businesses, offered their skills freelance or part-time to small companies and individuals who aren’t hiring more full-time staff.
Many have found emotionally rewarding engagement through pursuing new or long-neglected interests such as art, drama, crafts, music, writing… some of which has led to new income.
I do appreciate that becoming unemployed at 60 requires an adjustment of thinking and living.
But this new phase in your life can also be liberating from old routines, if you approach it positively and creatively.
FEEDBACK Regarding the young woman whose boyfriend kicked her out when he learned she wouldn’t end her pregnancy (June 10):
Reader – “All I read from this man is ultimatums: "Me or the child, no counselling if you keep the child," etc.
“My advice to this young lady is clear: This pregnancy saved you from a life of hardship (had you stayed with him).
“The situation caused him to show you who he really is, when you announced life-changing news such as a pregnancy.
“Leave this man. He's not right for you and doubtfully for any sane and intelligent woman.
“Take care of your child and ensure he or she has a solid example for a mother.”
Ellie – You’ve re-emphasized her own feelings and mine, that this man isn’t healthy for her, and certainly not for the child.
He revealed his anger issues, selfishness, meanness, and caused her to find out about his past abuse to his ex.
Tip of the day:
End contact from someone who strings you along as second choice.