A close friend’s husband turned 40 last Fall. His wife invited 30 of us to a surprise party, but she gave little of her own time to organizing it (as is her way).

She’d surprised us by wanting the party to be held in her backyard with a tent and heaters, even though his birthday occurs in November.

She knew ahead that it was the night of her children’s big school play. But she said she thought that’d keep him out of the house until the later surprise.

But she had to attend the play too, so another friend volunteered to help with the set-up.

It all became very difficult since many things were left to the last minute, e.g. ordering the tent.

The day prior, one of the guests closest to her husband convinced her to change the venue to his own social club because the weather had turned very cold. As a member, he was the only one who could sign the bill.

The problem: She never asked him what it cost, never offered to pay him back, nor thanked him for the help. With alcohol included, the bill came to over $3,000.

Two other of his friends among us later pitched in and split it with him. Still she has said nothing.

Meanwhile, we’d all contributed to a very nice group gift of a weekend stay at a hotel, which of course included her!

We all really like her husband and don’t want to harm the friendship. But what can we do about this now?

Incidentally, the three men who paid won’t go broke because of this expense, and they do want to protect their buddy from knowing. But we think there’s a bigger issue here.

Costly Friend

This is about looking the other way, and then claiming you were all hoodwinked.

From now on, be wary and prepared for schemes suggested by this woman who knows how to use people to her advantage.

Filter her every plan and request through the understanding that she’s a taker, not a giver.

She may not have purposefully manipulated the event to be held where someone else would pay. But she clearly saw the benefit to herself without any qualms.

In future, all of you who want to stay friends with her have to immediately call her on any schemes that look like they’ll end up using your time and expense more than hers.

Recently, my dad said that I could go to Universal Studios and I could take one friend. Immediately, I called my best friend, and invited her to come with me.

When I hung up, guilt rushed over me for not asking my other best friend to come instead, because she does so much for me while I do so little for her.

I don't want her to get mad or upset with me. Part of me wants to tell her, but another part wants to not tell and she’ll never know.

What do I do?

Guilty in California

Make another plan to go there, or somewhere else that’s special, for the future.

Then tell this second friend that you have a couple of great outings planned, and you’re taking one close friend along each time.

Say that she’s next for Universal or that you can both decide on somewhere else, so long as your dad agrees.

Meanwhile, do something else for her, in thanks for all she does for you… perhaps bring something back from this first trip, or treat her to a movie sooner.

FEEDBACK Regarding whether a cheating wife should confess (Dec.20):

Reader – “If you commit the crime, you do the time.

“Telling your spouse about transgressions only lets yourself off the hook. You’re relieved to let go of the secret and get punished by your betrayed partner making you feel terrible.

“However, if a person has cheated on the relationship, why should the partner suffer from knowing?

“It’s up to the offender to redeem and reform if they sincerely feel badly about what they’ve done.

“In my 60-plus years, I’ve discovered after having been through very hard times, that some things are better taken to the grave.

“Nothing can be undone or unsaid. Once the big confession is out there, messes are created with which other people have to live.

“The transgressor has all the control and the victims have none except to deal with bitter disappointment and hurt.”