My niece was a quiet, well-behaved girl growing up, and early on showed she had a big heart.

She brought home stray cats, and made friends with the less popular kids. She invited home to dinner two kids whose single mom worked late a couple of nights.

At 21, she’d finished college and landed a job in her field. That’s where she met a guy who was very handsome and charming. But he was unsettled, working only sporadically in temporary jobs.

She fell hard for him and was staying out late nights, coming home for breakfast before dragging herself off to work.

She finally confessed to her parents that he was “sick” and needed her to stay over.

It took some time before my brother and his wife realized that her boyfriend was a drug addict.

He’d already dropped out of two rehab attempts.

They tried to reason with her that this was his problem and beyond her “rescue” abilities.

She wouldn’t listen and moved out from her family home to his barely-furnished apartment. She only contacted her parents every few weeks.

The truth emerged that she had become addicted. She’d lost her job, they’d spent her savings, they’d both lost weight, were either agitated or listless, and her parents felt they had to take them in.

That was nine months ago. As the older brother of her father, I’ve been heartsick to see how exhausted and pained he is. He and his wife both work; their older two children are married and gone, so the young couple sleeps in the house all day.

There are spurts of progress, and then they fall back.

They attend a clinic, get checked by a doctor regularly when on the program, and can sound positive for a while. Then chaos erupts again.

Her boyfriend can be frighteningly hyper or despondent, and we all fear for her safety at times. But they’re inseparable now, like one disaster waiting to happen.

My brother won’t throw them out, and his wife won’t even discuss it. They won’t see a counselor because they don’t want to hear about tough love “solutions.” They believe their daughter wouldn’t survive.

The American city where we live lists addiction specialists, clinics, programs, support groups, etc. But the couple can’t be trusted to stick with anything, and the parents are terrified to try to force anything from which they’ll flee and go underground.

I’m asking if any of your readers have experienced this drug nightmare with grown children and found the way to help them overcome.

Are my brother and his wife doing the right thing by offering unconditional love, support, free food, and a comfortable home? Or are they just delaying the inevitable?

Are there specific types of rehab programs that really work, and what makes the difference between those “graduates” who stay clean, and those who fail?

Desperate Uncle

The effort of your relatives, to try to save these two young people from a final tragedy, is a very moving story.

There is hope for change and recovery from addiction, as evidenced from some success stories we hear about. But it sometimes takes hitting bottom for that to happen.

In this case, many would say that enabling the couple through dependency is not working.

I’m hoping that many readers – those who have “been there” and professional addiction workers too - will send in their suggestions.

Though programs do exist, finding the crucial key to connect addicts to the will to overcome their demons daily is the goal.

I’m 33, female, and single. I have a good job, terrific girlfriends and guy friends, and a “friend with benefits” when I want sex.

I may marry some day, but I’m not wasting these good years worrying about it.

My question: If I find that I really want a child, is there a stigma to a child born through in vitro fertilization with donor sperm?

Future Possibility

Children need the security of love and encouragement, which can come in many forms.

So long as you are comfortable with the idea, there should be no “stigma.”

A child can grow the confidence she/he needs from the support of a caring “village” consisting of you, your family, girlfriends, and guy friends.

You may encounter the odd insensitive comment but that happens in almost any circumstance.

What’s important is how YOU explain to your child how much you wanted her/him, and that it was possible.