What would you do if your sister-in-law and brother-in-law owe you money and refuse to pay? They won’t even try.  

Two years ago, my wife’s sister and her husband both borrowed money; they seemed to really need it. After seven months I asked that they start making payments. They have one teenager; we have three small children, one income, live within our means (not wealthy) and save, too.

My brother-in law owed only $500 and sent us a money order that he later fraudulently reported as stolen. My wife received notice of stop payment along with a $10 fee.

My sister-in-law owes $2000; she complained of being treated unfairly since she has a different father!! My wife won’t contact them to discuss this.

I’m really angered at them and at my wife. They’ve acted financially irresponsible. My brother-in-law has yet to get his high school diploma; my sister-in-law has only a high school diploma,

This has made an uncomfortable situation during family gatherings.

- Silently Fuming

Me? I’d look at who’s asking me for the money. If I already felt they were irresponsible financially – but in need – I’d consider it a one-time “loss leader,” meaning it’d buy a lasting opportunity to not be asked again, since they’d likely default on the first “loan.”

However, YOU gambled and lost. Your wife has clearly decided that the loss of some cash is better than the loss of all family connection, not to mention potential badmouthing of you two.

Your anger is partly at yourself for not realizing this would happen. Forgive your wife, forgive the loan, and try to stay cooler and wiser at family gatherings.

My boyfriend and I (both late 20’s) have been living together for three years; we enjoy a wonderful, exciting relationship.  

Marriage is important to me and I’d like to have children one day. He doesn’t see the point in getting married.

Both of our parents are divorced, which may be an underlying issue (his parents’ divorce was nasty), but he says that doesn’t affect his feelings. I just want the security and stability of marriage, not a glitzy wedding.

I don’t want to regret not marrying, nor wait around for him to propose until I’m too old to start a family. I also don’t want to leave a man that I love.

Is there any way to make him understand why this is important to me?

- Frustrated

Here’s the reverse question, on his behalf: Is there any way to make you understand why NOT marrying is so important to him? The point - he has as much right to your compassion and caring about his strong needs and wishes, as you have to his understanding of you. 

This standoff on marriage can definitely be a deal-breaker to your relationship, so it requires an open and honest discussion: 1) Is he interested in ever having children, so long as your union remains common-law?

2) Can you accept a common-law life together, with or without kids?

3) If you can’t agree, are you both willing to go to a professional counsellor to probe whether there are unrevealed reasons for your choices, or whether a break-up is the only answer? Get talking.

If a person next to you in a theatre is coughing heavily, repeatedly, is it acceptable to request they leave their seat during these infectious and noisy eruptions.

- Annoyed

It should be that person’s natural choice to do so. Unfortunately, it often isn’t. Change your seat. 

My boyfriend of 10 years and his family disapprove of my lifestyle. He has serious health issues; we’ve been engaged on and off. He says that without me he’d become deeply depressed, possibly suicidal. So we stay together. I love him but recently met an old friend. He’s visited at my home, but has a live-in girlfriend. He’s “always had feelings” for me, and I’m increasingly attracted. He wants to be “friends with benefits.”  

- Your thoughts?

You’ve given years to someone who hasn’t fully committed to you, yet holds you hostage with suicide threats. You do NOT need another man who stays at a distance from you. Your attraction is prompted by restlessness about your needy, disapproving lover. It’s a crucial time to decide if you’re In or Out – or you’ll be reeling between these two. Better to move on from both, and find someone who’s as free and giving as you.