Dear Readers – Though it’s expressed in a variety of ways, with different circumstances described, many advice-seekers ponder while they’re in a troubled relationship, and even after it’s ended: Is divorce the right answer?

Here are one woman’s reflections:

Commentary – “I was married for 31 years, and have two adult daughters. Our marriage ended badly and that was avoidable. I still love him and miss him.

“He lives alone and I have no interest in dating or meeting men.

“I wonder how many couples get divorced and later regret their choices and decisions…

“Our divorce was very emotional and expensive. The lawyers won in the end, while my family lost. Money isn't everything in life.

“When you have a family, you have everything! That was, and continues to be, my belief.

“My marriage was dissolved, when I know in my heart better communication could've saved it.”

Broken Heart with Regrets

My wife and I married in our very early 20s, definitely in love, but after only months of dating.

We were very conservatively religious and virgins. Now in our early 30s, we've had children.

I think we’re great co-parents and great roommates, but my wife is almost never interested in sex anymore, maybe only once or twice a month, and even then not enthusiastically.

I wonder, maybe, if she's a lesbian. And if she is, I want her to be happy. Our past in a very controlling church (which we’ve left) made us both grow up terrified of our own sexuality. I love her. I care about her.

I'm not sure I am making her happy, or even can. But she's shy and insecure. I doubt she'd risk leaving me to even look for someone else.

It's a sexless marriage but with genuine affection. I admit I'd prefer to be with someone who seems genuinely interested in being with me, including sexually, but I want to think of her needs, too.

Complicated Union

You’ve well and clearly expressed the realities and how they came to be. If you two could both openly discuss all this – either just together, or with the guidance of a professional counselor – you might clarify some of the complications.

Perhaps she’d prefer a woman as partner, perhaps not. Maybe she still has sexual anxiety from the past, and therapy can help.

She’s still with you, probably loves you as much as you love her. Sharing your concerns about the past, your change of faith, may open you both up to new possibilities, together or otherwise.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who keeps calling her now-married ex (May 23):

Reader – “The problem here is that he didn't communicate AT ALL in the beginning, which frustrated the woman, and may’ve left her in limbo without any closure on that relationship.

“So she's still reaching out to her ex.

“If he'd communicated effectively and given her an opportunity to explain herself, or make amends, there's a possible chance he wouldn't be in this mess now.

“Continuing that pattern of emotional cut-off sounds like it's perpetuating an unhealthy pattern that didn't work (for either of them).

“What happens if his new wife does something he doesn't like? Is he just going to walk out on her as well without talking about it?”

Ellie – Yes, lack of communication is very frustrating for both sides. His ex cheated, he dropped her abruptly. They later had some contact. She’s still refusing to accept that he’s married, which should by now mean “closure.”

Feedback #2 Regarding the cheater (May 26):

Reader – “If the cheater wants the relationship to continue, she should suck it up, deal with the guilt, and never cheat again.

“If she tells the boyfriend, it’ll only hurt him. If he "forgives" her, his acceptance will legitimize her cheating and make its occurrence much more likely to happen again.

“If he doesn't forgive her, the relationship’s over. But the cheater’s stated intention was to continue the relationship.  However, if she does not confess - her remorse and guilt spur her to NOT cheat again.
“Or she cheats again, and realizes she doesn't want to keep the relationship going, and ends it, appropriately, and without hurting the poor guy’s feelings by "confessing"...”

Ellie – Interesting potential scenarios. I respond to the specifics, e.g. she only calls him “nice.” They’re very young, and need to re-examine the relationship, which will happen if she confesses.