My wife of 10 years has never initiated sex in our marriage. 

Over recent years, whenever I try to get romantic, she pushes me away, saying she’s not interested. She says that women don’t need sex (she’s mid-30s, beautiful, in good shape), so I’d better get used to the idea of not having it.

We’ve had sex once in six months. She’s a very aloof person, not concerned with my feelings or needs, but she doesn’t realize or admit his.

I don’t want to cheat or end our marriage (and I’m sure she’s not cheating) but I don’t know what to do.

- Totally Confused

Speak up, then listen. This isn’t only about physical sex, it’s about intimacy. 

The “aloof” image is her longtime armour - self-protection from getting too involved or hurt.

You need to ask her straight up whether she has ANY feelings for you. Tell her your feelings for her, and your need for intimacy and connection. Then try to negotiate time alone together -- just sharing stories of your day and dreaming ahead.

This doesn’t have to be defined as time for “romance;” rather, it’s for closeness. If she shows no interest in a broader approach to intimacy, then ask if she’s willing to explore why she resists both physical and emotional bonding.

She can seek individual counselling or you can go for couples’ therapy together. But if she refuses, you need to decide what you can live with, or no longer stay around to accept.

It’s finally over after over three years of a bizarre relationship with this MBA (Married But Available) man, 25 years my senior. 

I planned for us to get together for the Thanksgiving Holiday Weekend - a gift, preparing food, finding places we could go, but he was busy planning visits to his past relationships and said not to call him.

Our biggest issue was his multiple relationships.

For me, it’s a big deal if someone I’m intimate with is also keeping his past female relationships close. He’ll stay overnight with them, talking till morning and won’t allow any phone contact with me.

Whenever I told him how I feel about this, he called it my nonsense.

I finally said we should part. I feel great relief. It takes great courage and strength to call the whole thing off. I’d never experienced such a complicated relationship before. I don’t even want him to be my friend. But I’m fearful of this thing coming back again and I won’t resist it and I’ll fall into the trap again.

- Out of Trap

What took you so long to send this aging womanizer packing? That’s the question to answer, and then work on your own weak self-image that allowed you to put up with a self-centered, uncaring, manipulative person, yet somehow believe his controlled involvement with you was a “relationship.” 

You need to recognize that it wasn’t a “trap” that happened to you; it’s a demeaning situation you hung onto. (For flattery? For fear of not getting anyone better?)

The fact that you anticipate resisting this scene again is evidence you need ongoing support, whether professional or through tough self-examination. The goal is to understand your own contribution to this “bizarre” set-up.

You need to develop the conviction that you’ll never allow yourself to be trivialized and dismissed in any future relationship, and that you won’t be conned into ever trusting this transparent player again.

My live-in boyfriend of three years and I had previously broken up, but are currently working things out. 

My brother and his wife think we shouldn’t be together, because I’d run to them when we had problems. They won’t speak to him at family get-togethers, nor look him in the eye, because he’s never asked for their forgiveness or tried to show them that he really loves me.

Now my boyfriend is refusing to come to family events, to avoid this couple.

- How to Heal?

Run right back to the family members to whom you vented, and explain how the relationship is back on track. Assure them that you won’t accept your boyfriend’s past negative behaviour and they don’t have to worry about you; you value their support in the past. 

Then insist that your guy also talk to them in person and apologize. He owes it to them and to you.