My boyfriend of four years and I are having trouble getting “alone time.”
We’re in our 20’s; his parents believe strongly against sex before marriage, but my boyfriend thinks differently.
We’re not allowed to go on trips on our own, and he’s not allowed to be at my house unless my parents are there.
We ALWAYS practice safe sex.
For our anniversary, I’d like to and spend a night alone with him, but we won’t be allowed. How do we handle this situation?
- Supervised
You’ve managed the discretion to be privately intimate, despite his parents’ beliefs; but if he’s living under their roof, he should not slap them in the face with blatantly ignoring their “rules.”
The other choices you have could have very negative consequences, so I do NOT advise them – that is, his confronting his parents with the fact that you two have already crossed the line, or you two arranging some elaborate lie about where you spent the night.
Instead, I recommend you both work toward greater independence, starting with your boyfriend living elsewhere. That’s when you’ll be able to live life as you choose.
I’m a gay man tired of my boyfriend’s “moods.” He’ll make plans, and insist I accompany him to something I’d normally not attend – e.g. the wedding of his high school friend whom I’ve never met, or a work-related gathering (I play Lively Companion).
Then he’ll go dark about it for days beforehand, and I have to talk him up, and practically dance him out the door.
- Tired
Nip the Drama at the start; this choreographed pattern risks your becoming co-dependents. Set boundaries on what plans you’ll accept; and let him refuse or attend on his own.
He needs to take responsibility for the social side of his life, and you both need to decide your couples’ calendar together.
My partner and I are in our fifth year of living together; we both left long marriages and are both now divorced.
We initially discussed getting married some day. He’s now reluctant, feeling another marriage might fail. This baffles me as we get along very well.
He harbours heavy guilt feelings (predominant in our relationship) because he hurt people in his family and mine.
I also feel remorseful having hurt my children/family but remind him we did this because we’d fallen in love.
I’m hurt that he cannot bring himself to propose; he tells me to be patient and that “someday” he’ll surprise me.
We went to one session of counselling but he refuses to go back, nothing has changed. I’m considering leaving but I love him and believe he loves me.
Any suggestions?
- Hurt and Angry
There are few pain-free divorces. People get hurt, children often worse, and even the principals who sought the break-up often suffer deeply despite their next relationship being a loving one. You both have what you initially sought: you’re together and still love each other. But your partner has not fully moved on and needs to work that out on his own.
Your anger and hurt won’t spur him on. Leaving him might only depress him.
If he’s the man you want for the rest of your life, drop the pressure. So long as you’re getting along well and happy in all else together, give him time.
But if the relationship becomes strained by his guilt feelings, then make his getting a full course of counselling a condition of your staying with him.
I can’t seem to forgive my parents for my upbringing - they verbally abused me, made me feel worthless, and scarred me for life.
Now that I’m an adult, they’ve changed somewhat, although some small instances trigger my past, and then I blow up at them.
They’ve never apologized, and act like it was no big deal.
I don’t want to see them again. Am I being rational?
- Haunted
Never seeing your parents will not heal your scars; that process needs to start with professional therapy, which will help you learn how to leave the past behind, so that it doesn’t keep playing in your adult mind.
Your therapist will help you decide whether exposure to your parents is hurtful during this time.
Once you’re feeling better about yourself in the present, future contact with them may be brighter, or simply less upsetting. But healing starts with you, not them.
Tip of the day:
Adult children should be prepared that staying under the parental roof means abiding by parental rules.