I was engaged, but feared making a mistake; I didn’t know if she was the one. I met a younger but mature girl at work, we hit it off immediately. I made the tough decision to call the wedding off, which I don’t regret. 

I started seeing this girl soon after, everything was going well, but only a few months in, she broke it off. I didn’t really get a straight answer as to why she didn’t want to see me again, and this has bothered me ever since.

It’s been six weeks and it’s never taken me this long to get over a girl. I’ve tired everything – joining a gym, to going away for several days. I can’t get her out of my head. Is this normal?

- Still Caught up

It’s the drama, not the girl. Your decision to end an engagement - wisely, since you had doubts – added weight and drama to your attraction to this co-worker. She was the catalyst to your recognizing that you shouldn’t be marrying someone when a) you were unsure, and b) someone else could grab your interest. 

BUT, that didn’t mean the catalyst was a keeper. She’s clearly not into you, so why invest more emotion into that short, transitionary relationship? It got you from “engaged” to now “free again.”

Start dating, but don’t leap into a new, intense alliance until you’re sure this is the relationship you and another want to work on, for the long-term.

My husband’s best friend suddenly came on to me on New Year’s Eve. Do I tell my husband, or his wife?

- Astonished

If it was once-only, non-aggressive, without further contact, blame his partying and pretend it didn’t happen when you next see him. 

BUT, if he makes any further move, tell Hubby immediately and decide your next step together.

After years of trying to resolve the issues in my life, I know I can’t fight this battle alone anymore and think I need professional therapy. But I can’t help but see it as a waste of time. I feel it may not work for me because of my negative attitude. 

What can a therapist do that I can’t get from a book?

Also, what should I be looking for in a therapist, other than credentials and speciality.

- Need help

Your “negativity” towards getting help is a common strategy people use to ward off having to change, and to avoid having to really delve into their problems. But the strategy isn’t working for you… and it rarely does for anyone with serious issues that block their feeling good about themselves. So stop putting up barriers and do some smart “shopping” for a therapist. 

First, define what you’re looking for – short-term therapy to find a solution to an immediate problem, or long-term therapy to explore past experiences that have caused anxieties, fears, low self-esteem, etc.

Next, ask your doctor for a referral, or speak to a leader in your faith community for referral to pastoral counselling, or go to a community social service agency to arrange for counselling.

Once connected, state your request for short- or long-term, be prepared to be honest and communicative about your problem (therapists are used to hearing about and helping with all kinds of issues), and give the therapist at least two sessions’ trial before deciding if he/she “gets” you, and feels like “a fit” for your needs and personality.

We’re periodically invited to birthday celebrations, held in restaurants which are sometimes expensive. Frequently, the invitation indicates that we’re expected to pay for our meal, drinks and gratuities. 

I think, if you can’t afford to hold a party, scale it down or don’t have one.

Is it in bad taste to invite close friends or relatives to a “party” and let them pay for their own meal, drinks and gratuities?

- We Refuse

Lots of people can’t afford to host others, and many people feel too busy or overwhelmed with work and kids, to organize a house party. Yet they want to mark a happy occasion with close people. 

I don’t think it’s in “bad taste” – UNLESS, the venue is clearly too pricey for any guests. Those invited should say so, and offer suggestions for a more affordable place.

However, if you just don’t approve of the idea, don’t go.