I’m recently married to a man I love more than anything, but a few years ago (before I met my husband) I fell for another man. We communicated on and off over several years, but only finally got together when I was already dating my future husband.
I came clean with my then-boyfriend (now husband), and after a difficult year it seems my husband has moved past it. We got married this past year and are completely happy, but that other man is still always in the back of my mind.
I never really got closure because the other man never stopped wanting to be with me, but he respectfully backed off. The thoughts still torture me, but I couldn’t imagine my life without my husband.
- Torn
Stop imagining, period. You’re daydreaming a childish “what-if” about someone whom you barely knew as a potential boyfriend other than through a romantic image. You’ve already made a mature choice based on love, so start putting your mind and energies into your new marriage.
It’s not uncommon to be overwhelmed by the realities and responsibilities of a new union, and that may be why you’re escaping into this fantasy of “the other man,” when there was never a true relationship. Such daydreams can become dangerous if they trigger restlessness.
Do NOT contact this guy. Instead, dream up some romantic “dates” with Hubby, to make sure you don’t let being married become a dull routine.
Five years ago, a neighbourhood girl and I who’d always noticed each other, met and felt an instant attraction. We started fooling around, though she was still in a declining relationship. He was her first love and continued trying to win her back; I retreated, since she still harboured feelings for him.
Unfortunately, he got in a car accident and passed away.
I stopped attempts to date her because I felt she mostly needed a friend, and time to grieve.
After a year, I finally told her how I felt. She confessed that she felt the same. But she has an internship in Africa for three months, so said we should wait until she returns, to start something.
Later, she said she couldn’t date anyone from our hometown because we all make her think of her deceased boyfriend.
What can I do to be with her and have her not feel guilty?
- Lost
The Africa trip is an excellent opportunity for her to break away from her natural feelings of sorrow and awkwardness about dating seriously again. Stay in close touch through email, but only in a supportive upbeat way, asking about her new experiences, and putting no pressure on her about the future.
You might even suggest – if it’s possible financially – meeting her somewhere at the end of her internship, so you can relate on neutral ground, even for a short time.
Be prepared that when she first returns, she may be swept up by old feelings of loss, and need time to re-adjust. She may even need grief counselling then, which, as a friend, you can suggest.
Eventually, she WILL date and move on with her life. There’s no guarantee you’ll be the guy she wants, then, but it’s certain you two will always have a special bond as friends. Hang in for now, and you’ll likely know your chances for a future relationship with her, in just a few months after she returns.
I work in customer service, and I’m sick and tired of customers/co-workers telling me to “smile” or asking if I’m OK because I look “sad.” That’s just my face. Can’t change it.
What should I tell these rude, invasive people? I’ve promised myself I’m going to answer, “My sister just died”, or “I have cancer.”
I’m there to do my job, not socialize.
Don’t tell me they’re really “concerned.” I don’t believe it.
- Mind Your Own Business!!
Change jobs. Please. You’ve been at it so long you no longer understand the meaning of “customer service,” since you can’t handle friendly small talk or put people at ease.
You don’t get it: Most people are worried that customer service won’t provide something they need (repairs, an exchange). So they try to encourage your “good” side through a smile.
Unfortunately, you’ve lost your good side for this work; time for a change.
Tip of the day:
Daydreaming about “the one that got away” can be destructive to holding onto the one you chose instead.
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