My girlfriend of two years has this switch that allows her to just forget about me. She’s often gone away on long trips, up to two months, and she finds it easy to be away from me. 

She claims that she misses me and just wants to make the best of it, but has confessed that she doesn’t find it hard to be separated for so long, as I do. I can just about get through two weeks, tops.

Am I unreasonable to think we’re not in the same place? What really worries me is she wants to go away for a year to study and since I can’t go (as she’s asked me) because of financial reasons, she’ll go anyway.

I can’t find a reasonable position between me supporting her dreams and me being selfish. She thinks a long distance relationship would work, but I wonder how I’d get through a year.

She doesn’t understand that for me, breaking up would make it easier. But it really upsets me that she’s CHOOSING to be apart for that long.

Does it mean we’re just not going to work?

- Worried

You ARE both in different places, and time will eventually tell whether you can work out this relationship… IF you both try. 

She has more than “dreams” – she’s independent, ambitious, and a determined go-getter. If you prevent her from the advancements and experiences she seeks, she’ll surely resent you, and you’d break up anyway.

BUT, your sense of being left behind also matters, especially when there are more long-distance periods ahead. You can try to adjust to this “here-and-gone” situation – e.g. by enjoying being together when you are, and planning together for each of you to travel for visits when possible.

Or, you can tell her right now that you’re not cut out for this kind of relationship.

My daughter recently told us that her husband doesn’t love her. They have a son, 4. 

She’s crying daily and was encouraged to tell us by their counsellor, whom they’ve been seeing together and singly. She’s has been on anti-depressants before but stopped when she became pregnant with her son. She still loves her husband and has tried to change – there’s no abuse, or addiction involved.

Her husband may be depressed, he says he’s not happy at work either.

They bought a house recently, after living with my husband, son and myself for 3 1/2 years. So my husband is encouraging her to come home with her son.

My own parents divorced when I was 12 so I’d rather resolve, or end things early, rather than watch her erode further with anxiety attacks and anorexia, sleeplessness etc.

My husband and I are interested in our little grandson’s stability.

- Concerned Grandma

Since there’s no abuse and they’re seeking professional help, your role is to support her emotionally, be close and available to your grandson, but do not “rescue” her or force a separation by taking her in, unless that’s what she says she needs. 

They both sound depressed, so keeping up their individual and marital therapy is crucial, and you can be helpful by taking care of the boy so that they get to appointments. If a separation seems imminent, your daughter can use your help getting some legal and financial advice regarding their shared home, child custody and access. Remember, helping her means aiding toward her independence, married or otherwise, NOT in promoting dependency except when absolutely essential.

We’ve just had a “miracle” premature baby, while in our early 40s. 

During the visit of close friends, we both had strong suspicions that their son, 5, would harm our baby. He drew a disturbing picture of the baby crying, and put a big X through it, though the baby didn’t cry once.

We love our friends and quite often spend whole weekends together. We now don’t want their son coming along; he has issues at school and doesn’t have any friends. How should we handle this?

- Overreacting?

Delay weekend plans with these friends while your baby matures, and you become less anxious; then, gently seek some understanding about their son. 

Have your next visits with them in short, controlled situations. If you see evident hostility, talk to them about it. Then limit your contact till the boy’s more settled or only see them when one of you has a babysitter.