My wife of eight years recently became a fitness instructor.

One night when she was late coming home, I looked outside and saw her being dropped off from a fancy sports car.

She eventually explained that she’d been sitting in this car in the community centre parking lot just talking to this hot-looking younger guy who’s her student who follows her wherever she teaches. She’s 38; he’s 31.

She says that I’m over-reacting because of my Middle Eastern culture.

I’ve discovered that they’ve been exchanging e-mails for sometime, and the guy has called our home several times.

Am I justified in my demand to see the e-mails they exchanged, if, as she claims there was nothing between them?

How about calling the guy to see what’s his business with my wife, since she’s evasive about answering me?

My work requires me to travel a lot.

- Suspicious

Handle this with your wife only, as going directly to the guy at this stage would humiliate her and could alienate her completely. Tell her your concern is more valid than she’s acknowledging, and based on worry rather than suspicion, since “followers” of instructors can sometimes turn into stalkers.

But if she insists they’re just friends, take her at her word so far. Do NOT demand to see the emails: it’s no different than treating her as a child. Approach this differently, and from the long-term perspective, by discussing with her whether your absences have caused her to feel lonely.

Perhaps she needs to accompany you sometimes; perhaps you could consider finding more work at home.

If you show interest in her welfare rather than in nailing her for a flirtation, you’ll get a lot more open answers and appreciation.

My father was buried recently.

That morning, the adult daughter of my long-ago molester (a relative) came to the funeral home. I could’ve handled her coming just to pay respects but when I realized she planned to stay, I told her that her presence was an intrusion.

She protested, so then I told her about her father molesting me. She left in tears, and I really feel sorry for her.

My parents had kept a relationship with some of the family (not the molester).

At the cemetery, these relatives rejected me, because I’d told his daughter.

I’d been holding everything together, during my father’s illness, hoping to deal with his death later. I no longer can think of anything but this incident and the past abuse, and all the hurt and rejection in between.

- Devastated

Your loss and your grief were bound to trigger the terrible hurt you endured in the past… it’s a common and sad reality that child molesters do harm that can last a lifetime, and divide whole families. So it’s not surprising that you were unprepared to handle this woman’s presence and reacted as you did, even though it was extremely hard on her.

The other relatives may never be able to fully understand your past ordeal, due to ignorance of how destructive abuse can be.

I urge you to seek counselling for your grief. Even if you thought you’d once had therapy about the molestation, this is a time when professional help with healing is needed again.

As for the woman you turned away, one day you may feel able to communicate with her. But you need to look after yourself first before you can relate to the pain she too must feel.

My boyfriend of three years broke up with me because I’d gained weight.

While apart, I’d spoken to a guy I’d previously met online.

When my boyfriend came back, he saw a text from that person and freaked out.

He posed as the guy online: I said I was back with my boyfriend. But I also revealed my doubts, and “he” and I flirted online.

My boyfriend now says I cheated on him, and shouldn’t have any male friends.

He never wants to speak to me again.

Does this mean that he has control issues?

What should I do?

- Heartbroken

Be grateful to be rid of someone who’d leave you over weight gain.

He’s a controller who uses punishment rather than encouragement.

His expectation that you wouldn’t have talked to other guys after he left, and his accusation of cheating, reveal his own insecurity, which he masks with temper tantrums.