Two years ago, I discovered that my common-law partner of 17 years had been trolling the Internet for male hook-ups.

He’d sent naked photos of himself and received naked photos of men on his computer.

When confronted, he cried, and said that an older cousin sexually abused him, between ages eight to twelve. He felt the hook-up search was “acting out” of some kind.

(It had been going on for years as I charged up an old camera and found naked pictures of him).

He maintains that he’s not gay; he loves and desires me, and doesn’t want to lose me.

He saw a couple of therapists about seven times.

During our relationship before and after this incident, sex has been virtually non-existent; he has low libido.

When I chose to stay with him after this discovery, I insisted that if he concentrated on making our relationship better, and our sex life improved, we could move on from this nightmare.

But things haven’t improved. I'm deathly afraid he’s gay and using me as a cover. He’s still adamant that he’s straight, and wants to have a normal sex life with me.

He knows that I think he's gay and he thinks I'm repulsed by him, so is unable to perform - a horrible Catch 22.

I have panic attacks all day. I’m mid-50s and have been in therapy several times.

His Naked Photos

He’s been abused and needs ongoing therapy for those memories, and the effects left on his self-image. This is necessary whether he’s straight or not.

He can’t improve his libido or prove anything else to you, until he forgives himself for this experience (even though it was not his fault), and stops feeling haunted by it.

Your demands that he stops sending naked photos are reasonable, but everything else is secondary to his getting ongoing therapy from someone experienced in counselling men who suffered sexual abuse when young.

You’ve stayed with him this long for a reason, so be supportive on the condition he goes through this process.

I’m 38, single, and have had many relationships, but not dated much. I now want to be with someone, start dating, and getting out there, but where to start? With online dating?

The older you get as a female it’s hard to meet someone. So, where do I go? How do you know if the guy’s seriously and truly interested in you?

How healthy is it when you start to date if the relationship’s mostly sexual and that's all, when you want something long-term but you don't want to scare the guy away?

Need Guidance

It seems you’ve already gone the sex-only route, since you’ve had “many relationships but not dated much.”

Now, if it’s long-term interest you want, it’s not healthy or wise to accept a sex-only start.

Online dating can get you “out there,” but you’re best to go on a site that makes some effort at matches.

Be very clear that you’re looking for a long-term connection. Then be VERY wary and scrutinize any hits you get if they rush you too quickly or make sexual suggestions right away.

State your standards early - you want to date with a view towards a relationship. If the other person’s saying that he doesn’t want any attachments, only dates, do NOT get together.

Remember this saying: “If you always do what you always did…” well, you’ll be getting the same kinds of “relationships” you always had.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose partner suggested she pay more, not the same as him (Oct. 9):

Reader – “She says if she weren’t there, he'd have to pay all the bills. But she ignored that, if she lived elsewhere, she'd have to pay her rent/mortgage.

“She’s getting off easier, living in a house without any responsibility for maintenance, mortgage, taxes... or rent.

“It seems he feels she should kick in a little more. Perhaps she should, if she's not properly appreciating it. That's usually when someone starts requesting that you pull your weight.

“Perhaps instead, they should proportionately share groceries so that he's covering an appropriate share for himself and his daughter and she's covering a reasonable amount for her living accommodations. There’s some negotiating that needs to happen here.”

Ellie – Your point is well taken. When people with different incomes, assets, and their own children live together, negotiation is crucial to avoid resentments.