My husband and I are working professionals with good jobs. We have a daughter, three, with whom I stayed home for the first year. Thereafter, I returned to work, and his parents moved in with us to help out with her, for which I’ll be eternally grateful to them.
I work nine months out of the year, and am off for three months, during which his parents go back to their home and their lives (out of town) if, and when, they want.
Lately, my husband’s been demanding that we do EVERYTHING, as a five-some. We seem to never have family time, just the three of us.
When I suggest this to him, he acts insulted and unreasonable, claiming that his parents are not my employees!
I just want a picnic with my daughter and husband, or a day-trip or two. My in-laws are home 24/7; I never get any privacy there, either. It's really wearing me down, too much together time for me.
Should I just enroll my daughter in full-time daycare and be done with it?
Unreasonable?
If all you really want is some occasional family time, the ways to find it are not that elusive. Give your in-laws a gift of appreciation and send them to a concert, movie, or out for a special lunch, i.e. places that aren’t naturally suited to your young child.
That would leave you three able to go on a picnic, for starters.
The fact you’ve gone to the more extreme solution of putting her in day-care is more about wanting them out of the house completely.
That’s why your husband’s overreacting… it’s an unexpressed power struggle between you, rather than a realistic look at the facts:
1) His parents made sacrifices to help you
2) Things change as children grow, and as parents have different options.
But above all, any change has to be handled very diplomatically and with great sensitivity. Start with showing that to your husband, and talking about what’s best for you all.
Recently, I hosted a friend’s baby shower, for her list of friends.
I baked, cooked (including special diets), and cleaned.
I planned activities, each relating to the shower’s theme (my friend was specific about what she wanted).
Everything went about as badly as it could have.
Her friends didn't seem to be into the idea of a shower. They showed up early (I was still in prep mode), and complained about the drive (outside the city).
They didn't eat the food. They didn't enjoy the games.
They only seemed to like the gift opening.
Before the last activity, one guest declared the party over.
I'm trying hard to get past this and assure myself I did everything I could to make it a fun day. My friend never thanked me for hosting.
Should I bring it up with her?
Every other party I've ever hosted has been a lot of fun.
Dull Party
Don’t beat yourself up… they were rude, felt no responsibility to show appreciation for all your very well meaning efforts.
Unfortunately, you tried too hard, for the wrong occasion – not your friends, not your own theme.
Feeling depressed over superficial people and a thankless friend is a waste of time. Use your considerable energy to pull yourself out of it!
Do several nice things for yourself, instead – new hairdo, new shoes… whatever lifts your spirits to get back to the competent and generous person you are.
Your friend’s either too shallow to feel badly, or she’ll be defensive.
I've lost three best friends within three months. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, not special, that life is just pain and not worth living.
I started doing things to find out what was wrong with me and could help explain why I'm not happy with myself.
I told my VERY best friend that I wanted to change, but she said I shouldn't. But I need more helpful, instructive advice.
Sad and Confused
Life IS worth living, way beyond those three people, who may not have been the right “fit” for you because of things lacking in them, not you.
But when you feel that low and doubt yourself, call your local distress line. Or, if you’re a teenager, call Kids Help Phone (for teenagers too, 1-800-668-6868 in Canada, or go online for other countries.) Also, ask where/how to get affordable or free counselling, e.g. through a local Y’s youth program.
Tip of the day:
When you rely on grandparents as full-time babysitters, don’t expect them to not be in your lives otherwise.