I met a widower, 18 months after his losing a long, happy second marriage with two children. We’ve gotten along well over two years.

We’re in our 70s, both very healthy. One daughter won’t accept me.

I was looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, as I was divorced long ago.

He doesn’t want to marry or live together. We see one another twice weekly, and talk on the phone daily. I don’t want the relationship to end.

However, having no real status bothers me. I feel “Girlfriend” isn’t an appropriate title at this stage of my life.

His daughter visits him with her child when I’m not there. She’s only surface-polite to me. This upsets me.

When he accepts invitations to visit her home, I think I should be included sometimes.

He refuses to be in the middle.

He fears that if we lived together or married it’d cause a family rift.

He’s fully accepted by my family. I’d appreciate your thoughts in relation to his daughter and to my feelings about wanting a permanent status.

Sidelined

Relationships among seniors ARE more complicated, both by past history, financial matters, and adult children’s attitudes.

Two years isn’t long, but in your 70s, certain matters can’t be glossed over. He should stop hiding from reality… if he wants you in his life he must say so to any child who’s unwelcoming.

What happens if he falls ill and goes to hospital… are you shut out from visiting? He needs to consider some of the possibilities ahead. The daughter may fear loss of closeness, or even inheritance. He needs to reassure her on those issues.

As for “girlfriend,” I personally think it’s flattering… more spirited and youthful than “companion.”

He’s unlikely to marry; you knew that going in, so no “wife.” And, living apart, “partner” doesn’t apply. Accept what is, and gently work toward what can change.

My oldest brother abused me and my younger brother previously, stole money from my parents, and was kicked out.

But he guilt-tripped my parents into letting him move back. He’s lost two jobs and hasn't saved any money. Since he returned, my younger brother has become strained, and now acts like the older one.

My dad thinks the world owes him everything, screams at everyone, and pouts when he doesn't get his way.

My brothers share his attitude. I have to forcibly retrieve my own things (laptop, bracelets, etc).

I get yelled at regularly, cursed, and pushed to tears when my things aren’t returned or given back broken.

I cannot afford to move out. I'm a student, on a very limited income.

Is there a way to solve my problems without moving out?

Harassed

Leaving is the safest choice. Ask school officials if there’s a Student Aid program to help you or if they can direct you to one.

Meanwhile, find out if you can work more hours, which will get you more income to save and keep you out of the house longer hours.

If there’s any trusted family member you can turn to – Mom, a grandparent, aunt, etc. – discuss any options, and consider “renting” a room affordably from someone trusted. If you have a faith or other community link, inquire about counselling services available there to help you cope, and later find a way out.

The YM/YWCA in your area may also provide safe housing for youth. Use your inner strength to leave this chaotic scene, and make inquiries at community agencies such as the “Y’s.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the husband who’s become judgmental about his wife’s choice of foods after he lost weight, and who’s also lost interest in sex with his wife (April 27):

Reader – “His behaviour may be symptomatic of someone who’s engaging in, or is about to engage in, an affair.
“If he’s going to a gym, is more particular about his appearance, dressing better and/or buying new clothes, and behaving more critical or dismissive of his wife, she should be wary.

“The loss of his mother from alcoholism’s effects which triggered these changes may’ve accentuated his own mortality and the knowledge/fear that time’s slipping away.”

Ellie – A logical sequence of thought.

The fact he won’t talk about his “disinterest” in sex with her or see a doctor about his own libido, is a clue, however. Even more reason for her to talk to someone professional who can help her decide her own response.