My daughter’s girlfriend doesn’t get along with her father. He doesn’t fully accept that she is in a same-sex relationship, having voiced that he thinks she’s making the mistake of a lifetime. The girls are not married and still quite young.
My daughter’s girlfriend will come over to our house after a fight with her father, and cry, and we give her a safe space to emote. But I’m not sure how much compassion I should give, as the father of my daughter. I really don’t want to seem as though I am in any way trying to replace her father. I certainly would NOT want her father to use this against her.
What should I do? What should my wife do? How can we be helpful and compassionate to our daughter and her girlfriend, without being seen as overbearing and overly involved?
Dedicated Dad
I think you’re very thoughtful to be concerned about how your comfort may be negatively affecting the already precarious relationship between your daughter’s girlfriend and her father. I suggest that the next time this happens (hopefully it won’t, but if it does) you leave the consoling to your wife. She knows how you feel, she can speak on your behalf, and at this point, the girls also know how you feel.
It just might be a good idea to extricate yourself from the situation for a little while.
Some might suggest that the girlfriend try to talk to her father, inviting him to get another father’s perspective by speaking with you, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. These two dads have nothing in common that they know of other than their daughters are in a relationship. I would maybe leave that until the women are more committed, or unless her father makes that request himself.
I work with a woman who just doesn’t let anyone else speak when we are all in a meeting. She hijacks every conversational moment. Half the time she doesn’t even say anything helpful or important. I believe she just likes to hear herself speak. She often repeats what’s already been said or asks a question that’s already been answered.
The problem is that no one knows whose responsibility it is to discuss her behaviour with her. We don’t have a supervisor, per se, and the meetings are run by the person in charge of the project, and in our department, we are all on equal footing.
Can you give us some advice?
Working Girl
From your description, this woman sounds as if she may have some neurodivergence or executive dysfunction. I am by no means diagnosing this person - however, her behaviour is not uncommon in children with anxiety issues, ADHD and/or autism spectrum disorder.
It is OK for the person speaking to say something along the lines of, “Please allow me to finish this point and then I will take comments and questions.” However, if this is habitual, as you mentioned, then perhaps leading with, “We have a lot to cover this meeting, so I’d like to get through my presentation and then I’ll be happy to take comments and questions.” If the person interrupts, the meeting chair can raise their hand in a non-verbal gesture, which will hopefully cue the interrupter to hold their thought.
If there is still no change in the person’s behaviour, then it may be time for an all-office meeting, but not an intervention or gang-up. It may seem a waste of time up front, but a meeting to discuss meeting etiquette may prove beneficial down the road.
And if that doesn’t work, then there must be someone in a managerial position who will need to be informed.
FEEDBACK Regarding seventy and spry (Aug. 6):
Reader – “Have they investigated going on cruise? It’s a good option for couples with differing interests. My wife was a sun worshiper; I enjoyed shade and walking.
“At breakfast we would review daily itinerary options to determine our choices and schedules. Some events only she would be interested in, some only I would be interested in and some we were both interested in. We would then meet up and clean up for dinner and evening shows. We both knew where each other was.
“Some shore excursions we shared and some we didn’t. The salt air and sun may help his wife. There’s also TV in their cabin. The key is they’re together but also each doing what each enjoys.”
Lisi – This is a great idea and one I should have thought of since I used to work on cruise ships.